Stealth Layoffs

One may be surprised to learn that BigLaw associates actually like stealth layoffs–especially if they aren’t laid off–for several reasons, most of wich involve the BigLaw associates over-inflated ego and ability to survive in an alternative universe.  First, stealth layoffs allow those who are laid off to suspend reality and pretend it hasn’t really happened.  I know I was laid off, and the partners know I was laid off, but if I can just keep it a secret I can pretend that I wasn’t laid off and come to work like nothing ever happened.  Sometimes this ploy works so well that a laid off attorney sticks around past the time they’re supposed to go–so long in fact that they end up keeping their job permanently and even making partner.  

 For those that aren’t laid off, stealth layoffs provide the opportunity to expose their soon to be former colleagues and tell the world how much they suck.  The BigLaw associate will tell the world that the laid off associate should have been fired long ago, that they only got a severance out of sympathy and that they don’t understand why the firm had them around so long.  The BigLaw associate will have so much information about the quality of the laidoff associate’s work that people will think they are a partner (which is something else BigLaw associates really like).  The stealth layoff also allows the BigLaw associate to assume that everyone who leaves the firm in the next 6 months to a year was asked to leave–even if they leave to do something that pays more and requires less hours of work.   This helps to inflate the  ego of the BigLaw associate because they convince themselves that everyone left because they couldn’t handle the work or perform at the high level required.  This further convinces the Biglaw associate that they are actually going to make partner and someday be rewarded for their work.  (See supra re: living in an alternative universe. )

And lastly, stealth layoffs give biglaw associates an opportunity to engage in their favorite activity of all time: gossiping and complaining about their jobs, especially on the internet (present company included).   It’s a sick combination of schadenfreude, narcissism and masochism.

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PWLTCD: Koolaid drinking dumbasses


Today, let’s talk about people we’d like to cut and cut deep and go to jail for (PWLTCD). And, tada!, it’s koolaid drinking dumbasses. You know who you are. Can you really say that your gigantic firm that cannot spoon you at night or hold your hair back while you vomit from drinking too much to run away from your problems isn’t hurting, at least a little bit, in this economy. Fuck, even China is hurting. It’s only at a positive 6.5% GDP and has riots in its streets.

Stop sticking up for your firm like the stupid fat kid who can’t make friends on his own mainly because he hits and bites people. Your firm is hurting. Our firm is hurting. Quit spitting out the rawhide that they made you chew and say stupid statements like:

“We’re doing fine in this market. Other firms are hurting, but we had a good business structure.” Bullshit. How many corporate attorneys are doing document review? And if your answer is none, maybe your litigation department sucks.

“We had some lay offs but they were all performance based.” Really? If you are that stupid to believe that, then I doubt your “performance” is up to par so why the hell are you still there?

“We’re still growing.” The only thing growing is the brown stain on your mouth from all the bullshit you are eating. Nobody is growing in this market. No BigLaw firms are growing in their US offices, especially with the ridiculous $160K first year salaries and the blown up billing rates that price them not only out of the current market but also outside of reality. They might poach a few good candidates here and there, but they are also dumping a bunch of monkeys out the other side so if they are adding less than they are subtracting, they can’t be growing….

You guys are idiots. Why don’t you just face the reality. Your ass is on the line. Your firm doesn’t love you. And your friends don’t really like you. So instead of drinking the koolaid, why don’t you just drink? In the famous words of Homer Simpson: Alcohol, the source of and solution to all of life’s problems.

We here at Stuff Big Law Associates Like want to cut you and cut you deep and go to jail for it.

The Man

 

Why do BigLaw Associates like The Man?  Why drink the koolaid? Why believe The Man when he tells you you have nothing to worry about in this market? The Man doesn’t give a shit about you, why else do you think they give you a 6 figure number to keep track of your billing, when you come and go, what documents you create or check out, etc.? What is this fucking unbased devotion to The Man you monkeys have? Do you even know who The Man is?

No, you don’t.

You think it’s the managing partner of the Firm? that fucker was so good at playing politics that he was elected but that also means he doesn’t have the balls to piss anyone off beause he knows once he does, there will be a coup and he will be toppled faster than we pulled down the statue of Saddam  Hussein in Fardus Square.

Do you think The Man is the partner that you work for and gave you great reviews? Fuck no.

When shit hits the fan, nobody’s going to stick their neck out for you because even the partners, especially in this market, are afraid shitless that they will also get the boot (e.g. Cadwalader’s coup) or will be deequitized. Or these partners have had affairs or some other sort of drama/scandal that they are no longer respected by their peers and just want to fly below the radar.

You see, nobody knows who The Man is.

Nobody knows who makes the calls, which partners will roll over and not speak up when their favorite associate gets put on the chopping block, nobody knows who even puts the associates on the chopping block. It might even be that fucking whore in attorney employment who isn’t even a lawyer but has her nose in everybody’s fucking business.

So, quit loving the Man. You don’t even know who he or she is. But one thing is certain, The  Man will fuck you over no matter how many times whored yourself out to him.

So, get off your knees and get some respect.

Cloning

Biglaw associates like cloning.  And we don’t mean the Dolly the sheep variety.  We mean biglaw associates love to pick an attorney they respect or aspire to be and mimic every aspect of their life.  Here are some examples:

  • Biglaw partner treats senior associate like the shithead without a future that he is.   Biglaw partner also only eats food covered with the finest white truffles from Italy.  Biglaw senior associate is allergic to truffles.   However, he spends every extra dollar buying white truffle oil and drenching all of his food (and sometimes his body) in it.  He goes into anaphalactic shock on a daily basis just to be like Biglaw partner.  Biglaw senior associate also rolls the shit downhill and uses Biglaw partners favorite phrases to yell at junior associates. 
  • Biglaw partner has the “lawyer bob–” you know, the haircut that every female attorney on the planet currently has (or had) in hopes that men would take them seriously and not view them as sex objects.  Biglaw associate’s natural hair is a jew fro resembling Bob Ross (you know, the guy that paints on PBS and has a pet squirrel).  Biglaw associate endures hours of Japanese hair straigtening and razor hair cutting just to resemble biglaw partner’s look.  Biglaw associate looks like a jackass.
  • Biglaw partner drives and S class.  Biglaw associate can’t afford an S class, but he finds out who the partner’s dealer is and gets the exact custom color in the C class he can actually afford.  Biglaw associate still gets fired on Bloody Thursday.  Maybe he can sleep in his car.
  • Biglaw partner lives on Elm Street.  Biglaw associate can’t really afford Elm street, but he finds the cheapest smallest house on the block just to be closer to Biglaw partner.
  • Biglaw associate is gay, but biglaw partner is married with 2 kids, and pays for blow jobs at strip club.  Even though biglaw associates thinks women are gross, he goes with biglaw partner to said strip clubs and allows himself to  be subjected to stripper jaw.  Biglaw associate also marries some poor unsuspecting girl who he forces to strap on and wear a fake beard.

We could go on, but we think you get the point.  The Biglaw associate obsession with cloning just certifies that the average biglaw asssociate hasn’t had an original thought since they chose to wear the pocket protector that got them the swirly in middle school.  Since that pivotol moment they have been mimicking–and just falling short–of the cool kids.  And when that failed they mimicked the smart kids.  And when that failed they went to law school.

Partners

Because every biglaw associate is a masochist, there is no one they love more than partners.  The biglaw associate’s love of partner often begins over a summer.  The unknowing law student enters a law firm for a clerkship, some thinking they would never sell out and work for the man when it happens–they meet THE partner–the one who is “just like them” only richer.  THE partner has stuck to their roots.  They still vote democrat, spend time with their children, live in big awesome house, has a spouse that they love, etc….  But what this summer associate doesn’t realize is that THE partner is probably hated by the partners that are really in charge and will be fired (or will jump off the building in frustration) before they ever start their first day.

But after becoming enamored with biglaw (or better yet, after getting in hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt and experiencing a ridiculously large pay check), the associate transfers their love for THE partner to all partners in general.  The biglaw associate thinks that in every transaction or case they work on with partners at their firm they are clearly better lawyers than the lawyers at the other firm.  The biglaw associate is mistaken because: (1) the partners that stay at biglaw firms often aren’t that bright and are usually just white and male; and (2) if they are facing a midsized or small law firm on the other side, the lawyers on the other side are probably just associates because the partners at those firms actually have real work to do.   This is of no consequence to the biglaw associate.  They have bought into the system and believe that if they worship the partner then someday they too can become a partner.  They will do anything to receive the love of the partner.  They will work 350 hours a month, they will lose all their friends, they will join every committee and bar association the partner adores. They will sell out their co-workers and betray their heritage.  All for the false adoration from someone who only cares how many hours they bill and how those hours affect their points or sharing ratio.

All the while, the biglaw associate is too clueless to realize that a very few will ever attain the coveted partner status–and when they achieve their goal most will be as miserable as they were as associates.  Some biglaw associates get a clue and realize that to the partner they are only a well trained comma checking document reviewing monkey and they get out before it’s too late.  But most merely evolve into self-loathing yet self-aggrandizing assholes, i.e. they become lawyers.