PWLTCD: Koolaid drinking dumbasses


Today, let’s talk about people we’d like to cut and cut deep and go to jail for (PWLTCD). And, tada!, it’s koolaid drinking dumbasses. You know who you are. Can you really say that your gigantic firm that cannot spoon you at night or hold your hair back while you vomit from drinking too much to run away from your problems isn’t hurting, at least a little bit, in this economy. Fuck, even China is hurting. It’s only at a positive 6.5% GDP and has riots in its streets.

Stop sticking up for your firm like the stupid fat kid who can’t make friends on his own mainly because he hits and bites people. Your firm is hurting. Our firm is hurting. Quit spitting out the rawhide that they made you chew and say stupid statements like:

“We’re doing fine in this market. Other firms are hurting, but we had a good business structure.” Bullshit. How many corporate attorneys are doing document review? And if your answer is none, maybe your litigation department sucks.

“We had some lay offs but they were all performance based.” Really? If you are that stupid to believe that, then I doubt your “performance” is up to par so why the hell are you still there?

“We’re still growing.” The only thing growing is the brown stain on your mouth from all the bullshit you are eating. Nobody is growing in this market. No BigLaw firms are growing in their US offices, especially with the ridiculous $160K first year salaries and the blown up billing rates that price them not only out of the current market but also outside of reality. They might poach a few good candidates here and there, but they are also dumping a bunch of monkeys out the other side so if they are adding less than they are subtracting, they can’t be growing….

You guys are idiots. Why don’t you just face the reality. Your ass is on the line. Your firm doesn’t love you. And your friends don’t really like you. So instead of drinking the koolaid, why don’t you just drink? In the famous words of Homer Simpson: Alcohol, the source of and solution to all of life’s problems.

We here at Stuff Big Law Associates Like want to cut you and cut you deep and go to jail for it.

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PWLTCD: Undeserving Midlevels

Today, we like to talk about people we’d like to cut and cut deep and go to jail for: undeserving midlevels.

Yeah, there aren’t that many midlevels relatively because each year firms hire huge junior associate classes because they know that 1/3 of them drop out after finding out that biglaw isn’t all about teddy bears and pretty embroirdered pillow cases and hugs-o h my. No, they are full of assholes. Another 1/3 drops out to go inhouse at the beginning of their midlevel career for better hours to spend with their loved ones.

So congrats, you’ve stuckit through because you are probably one of those assholes and has no one who loves you.  Or maybe you’re too stupid to get a job anywhere else.  Wow. Good job.  Congratulations. 

The sad truth is many midlevels aren’t even the ones that are deserving of being in charge of juniors or delegating work to them.  They aren’t the ones who had the best pedigree. In their case the last
man standing isn’t the best man standing. Its just the schmuck.

Therefore, these midlevels refer to form rather than substance. They are the ones who yell at you for not being able to read their minds or their chicken scratching on how to format the exhibit titles or the section heads even though you slaved over the contract for days and made a brillant masterpiece. They can’t teach you anything because stupid people rarely can, so they revert to nitpicking about how you send out emails or file documents. They become controlling to exert their power that is undeservedly theirs.

Like the practice of law, theres really no winner in this competition.

Like the practice of law, there's really no winner in this competition.

 

And this is why we’d like to cut the undeserving midlevels deep.  We’d cut them deep where they
stand. We’d cut them deep while they are bitching about double spacing versus single spacing in the table of contents. We’d cut them and we’d like it.