PWLTCD: Koolaid drinking dumbasses


Today, let’s talk about people we’d like to cut and cut deep and go to jail for (PWLTCD). And, tada!, it’s koolaid drinking dumbasses. You know who you are. Can you really say that your gigantic firm that cannot spoon you at night or hold your hair back while you vomit from drinking too much to run away from your problems isn’t hurting, at least a little bit, in this economy. Fuck, even China is hurting. It’s only at a positive 6.5% GDP and has riots in its streets.

Stop sticking up for your firm like the stupid fat kid who can’t make friends on his own mainly because he hits and bites people. Your firm is hurting. Our firm is hurting. Quit spitting out the rawhide that they made you chew and say stupid statements like:

“We’re doing fine in this market. Other firms are hurting, but we had a good business structure.” Bullshit. How many corporate attorneys are doing document review? And if your answer is none, maybe your litigation department sucks.

“We had some lay offs but they were all performance based.” Really? If you are that stupid to believe that, then I doubt your “performance” is up to par so why the hell are you still there?

“We’re still growing.” The only thing growing is the brown stain on your mouth from all the bullshit you are eating. Nobody is growing in this market. No BigLaw firms are growing in their US offices, especially with the ridiculous $160K first year salaries and the blown up billing rates that price them not only out of the current market but also outside of reality. They might poach a few good candidates here and there, but they are also dumping a bunch of monkeys out the other side so if they are adding less than they are subtracting, they can’t be growing….

You guys are idiots. Why don’t you just face the reality. Your ass is on the line. Your firm doesn’t love you. And your friends don’t really like you. So instead of drinking the koolaid, why don’t you just drink? In the famous words of Homer Simpson: Alcohol, the source of and solution to all of life’s problems.

We here at Stuff Big Law Associates Like want to cut you and cut you deep and go to jail for it.

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Cloning

Biglaw associates like cloning.  And we don’t mean the Dolly the sheep variety.  We mean biglaw associates love to pick an attorney they respect or aspire to be and mimic every aspect of their life.  Here are some examples:

  • Biglaw partner treats senior associate like the shithead without a future that he is.   Biglaw partner also only eats food covered with the finest white truffles from Italy.  Biglaw senior associate is allergic to truffles.   However, he spends every extra dollar buying white truffle oil and drenching all of his food (and sometimes his body) in it.  He goes into anaphalactic shock on a daily basis just to be like Biglaw partner.  Biglaw senior associate also rolls the shit downhill and uses Biglaw partners favorite phrases to yell at junior associates. 
  • Biglaw partner has the “lawyer bob–” you know, the haircut that every female attorney on the planet currently has (or had) in hopes that men would take them seriously and not view them as sex objects.  Biglaw associate’s natural hair is a jew fro resembling Bob Ross (you know, the guy that paints on PBS and has a pet squirrel).  Biglaw associate endures hours of Japanese hair straigtening and razor hair cutting just to resemble biglaw partner’s look.  Biglaw associate looks like a jackass.
  • Biglaw partner drives and S class.  Biglaw associate can’t afford an S class, but he finds out who the partner’s dealer is and gets the exact custom color in the C class he can actually afford.  Biglaw associate still gets fired on Bloody Thursday.  Maybe he can sleep in his car.
  • Biglaw partner lives on Elm Street.  Biglaw associate can’t really afford Elm street, but he finds the cheapest smallest house on the block just to be closer to Biglaw partner.
  • Biglaw associate is gay, but biglaw partner is married with 2 kids, and pays for blow jobs at strip club.  Even though biglaw associates thinks women are gross, he goes with biglaw partner to said strip clubs and allows himself to  be subjected to stripper jaw.  Biglaw associate also marries some poor unsuspecting girl who he forces to strap on and wear a fake beard.

We could go on, but we think you get the point.  The Biglaw associate obsession with cloning just certifies that the average biglaw asssociate hasn’t had an original thought since they chose to wear the pocket protector that got them the swirly in middle school.  Since that pivotol moment they have been mimicking–and just falling short–of the cool kids.  And when that failed they mimicked the smart kids.  And when that failed they went to law school.

Blogs

Ah, it seems time for Stuff BigLaw Associates to self-reflect on its existence and the existence of others like it now that it is a few weeks old. That’s right, it’s time to talk about why BigLaw Associates like law blogs. Yes, we like other blogs but nothing else holds our attention as much as law blogs. There are blogs by law students, there are even blogs by pre-law students (it makes me shed a single tear when I find one. poor bastards won’t even know what hit them), there are blogs by law professors (informative, sometimes boring, and rarely contains the word “fuck” so we don’t like them as much), gossip blogs (of course, the almighty Above the Law blog where people spend hours not just reading the posts but the 193 comments to each post as well), hiring partner blogs (new one: Hiring Partner’s Office–informative and good but doesn’t let his commenters use the word “fuck” either), and many many by disgruntled associates (including ones by canned disgruntled associates like  Shinyung Oh.

Why do we love these blogs so much? It’s because they are a mixture of commiseration and schaudenfreude. We like to feel that there is someone out there that is as angry and bitter as we are (or writes the Fuck You Later email like  Shinyung Oh’s  or this Trophy Husband (also formerly at Paul Hastings) we dream we could write.  And when we are done commiserating, we want to be able to laugh at the demise of some poor SOB at another BigLaw firm. We like to laugh at  partners who take their pants off  at press conferences, or how some junior schmuck or summer associate sent out a firm wide email  that makes us giggle when we imagine what kind of dread and embarrassment the kid felt.

Contrary to human nature where going through a traumatic experience causes one to be more compassionate towards others, especially if they are in the same or similar situation, we, BigLaw associates (and likely most attorneys) feel a little bit of joy, nay, alot of joy at inflicting this kind of pain on others. Like they say, abused children more often grow up to be abusers themselves. And so are we. Except that we also like to write about and read about the abuse we take and give day in and day out in our lives as BigLaw associates.

And so we hope that you will enjoy commiserating with us. And when you’re done doing that, that you will laugh, heartily, at the poor fools we poke fun at and abuse on this here blog.

Nobody believes us when we tell them they are fungible…

Our sincere condolences to the Cadawalder associates who found out we were right the hard way.  Above the law is covering the story extensively.  http://abovethelaw.com/2008/07/cadwalader_licks_your_balls.php#more