Stealth Layoffs

One may be surprised to learn that BigLaw associates actually like stealth layoffs–especially if they aren’t laid off–for several reasons, most of wich involve the BigLaw associates over-inflated ego and ability to survive in an alternative universe.  First, stealth layoffs allow those who are laid off to suspend reality and pretend it hasn’t really happened.  I know I was laid off, and the partners know I was laid off, but if I can just keep it a secret I can pretend that I wasn’t laid off and come to work like nothing ever happened.  Sometimes this ploy works so well that a laid off attorney sticks around past the time they’re supposed to go–so long in fact that they end up keeping their job permanently and even making partner.  

 For those that aren’t laid off, stealth layoffs provide the opportunity to expose their soon to be former colleagues and tell the world how much they suck.  The BigLaw associate will tell the world that the laid off associate should have been fired long ago, that they only got a severance out of sympathy and that they don’t understand why the firm had them around so long.  The BigLaw associate will have so much information about the quality of the laidoff associate’s work that people will think they are a partner (which is something else BigLaw associates really like).  The stealth layoff also allows the BigLaw associate to assume that everyone who leaves the firm in the next 6 months to a year was asked to leave–even if they leave to do something that pays more and requires less hours of work.   This helps to inflate the  ego of the BigLaw associate because they convince themselves that everyone left because they couldn’t handle the work or perform at the high level required.  This further convinces the Biglaw associate that they are actually going to make partner and someday be rewarded for their work.  (See supra re: living in an alternative universe. )

And lastly, stealth layoffs give biglaw associates an opportunity to engage in their favorite activity of all time: gossiping and complaining about their jobs, especially on the internet (present company included).   It’s a sick combination of schadenfreude, narcissism and masochism.

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The Man

 

Why do BigLaw Associates like The Man?  Why drink the koolaid? Why believe The Man when he tells you you have nothing to worry about in this market? The Man doesn’t give a shit about you, why else do you think they give you a 6 figure number to keep track of your billing, when you come and go, what documents you create or check out, etc.? What is this fucking unbased devotion to The Man you monkeys have? Do you even know who The Man is?

No, you don’t.

You think it’s the managing partner of the Firm? that fucker was so good at playing politics that he was elected but that also means he doesn’t have the balls to piss anyone off beause he knows once he does, there will be a coup and he will be toppled faster than we pulled down the statue of Saddam  Hussein in Fardus Square.

Do you think The Man is the partner that you work for and gave you great reviews? Fuck no.

When shit hits the fan, nobody’s going to stick their neck out for you because even the partners, especially in this market, are afraid shitless that they will also get the boot (e.g. Cadwalader’s coup) or will be deequitized. Or these partners have had affairs or some other sort of drama/scandal that they are no longer respected by their peers and just want to fly below the radar.

You see, nobody knows who The Man is.

Nobody knows who makes the calls, which partners will roll over and not speak up when their favorite associate gets put on the chopping block, nobody knows who even puts the associates on the chopping block. It might even be that fucking whore in attorney employment who isn’t even a lawyer but has her nose in everybody’s fucking business.

So, quit loving the Man. You don’t even know who he or she is. But one thing is certain, The  Man will fuck you over no matter how many times whored yourself out to him.

So, get off your knees and get some respect.

Cloning

Biglaw associates like cloning.  And we don’t mean the Dolly the sheep variety.  We mean biglaw associates love to pick an attorney they respect or aspire to be and mimic every aspect of their life.  Here are some examples:

  • Biglaw partner treats senior associate like the shithead without a future that he is.   Biglaw partner also only eats food covered with the finest white truffles from Italy.  Biglaw senior associate is allergic to truffles.   However, he spends every extra dollar buying white truffle oil and drenching all of his food (and sometimes his body) in it.  He goes into anaphalactic shock on a daily basis just to be like Biglaw partner.  Biglaw senior associate also rolls the shit downhill and uses Biglaw partners favorite phrases to yell at junior associates. 
  • Biglaw partner has the “lawyer bob–” you know, the haircut that every female attorney on the planet currently has (or had) in hopes that men would take them seriously and not view them as sex objects.  Biglaw associate’s natural hair is a jew fro resembling Bob Ross (you know, the guy that paints on PBS and has a pet squirrel).  Biglaw associate endures hours of Japanese hair straigtening and razor hair cutting just to resemble biglaw partner’s look.  Biglaw associate looks like a jackass.
  • Biglaw partner drives and S class.  Biglaw associate can’t afford an S class, but he finds out who the partner’s dealer is and gets the exact custom color in the C class he can actually afford.  Biglaw associate still gets fired on Bloody Thursday.  Maybe he can sleep in his car.
  • Biglaw partner lives on Elm Street.  Biglaw associate can’t really afford Elm street, but he finds the cheapest smallest house on the block just to be closer to Biglaw partner.
  • Biglaw associate is gay, but biglaw partner is married with 2 kids, and pays for blow jobs at strip club.  Even though biglaw associates thinks women are gross, he goes with biglaw partner to said strip clubs and allows himself to  be subjected to stripper jaw.  Biglaw associate also marries some poor unsuspecting girl who he forces to strap on and wear a fake beard.

We could go on, but we think you get the point.  The Biglaw associate obsession with cloning just certifies that the average biglaw asssociate hasn’t had an original thought since they chose to wear the pocket protector that got them the swirly in middle school.  Since that pivotol moment they have been mimicking–and just falling short–of the cool kids.  And when that failed they mimicked the smart kids.  And when that failed they went to law school.

Being Label Whores

BigLaw Associates like to be label whores.  This goes hand in hand with our rankings post; however, it is slightly different. Yes, the firm we work at, the law school we went to, and the size of our dick are all great things that we like to talk about ad nauseum to compete with our fellow bonobos. But, labels, my friend, are what sets us apart immediately. We don’t wear our law school’s ranking on our sleeve (though some of you pompous jackasses where school rings or pins or have your stupid coffee cups scattered all in your office) but we can do that with rankings.

But with labels, any proletariat will automatically know we are royalty without having to memorize the top ranked schools on US News.

Whether it be the Ferragamo business card holder, the gucci cuff links, the prada sunglasses, the dolce shoes, we love them all. It doesn’t matter that Cadwaladar put 96 attorneys on the chopping block and we could be next. We gotta roll like we got ’em and to do that, we have to blow money on labels. You might even call them lawbels. They come with the territory. You can’t just sling a Coach purse. You need a Chloe. You can’t just wear Gap frenches, you need Armani.

This keeps the law students and the summer associates awing and ooing and kissin gour feet and willing to do all sorts of sexual favors. It keeps hostesses at chain restaurants throw themselves at us when we walk in (only to walk out because we can’t be seen at a chain restaurant).

Yes, these lawbels are what sets us apart from the civilians. and believe me, just like the lady buying a stairway to heaven, we believe everything that glitters is gold that hangs from us because we just dropped a shit load of cold hard cash on it. And there is nothing that says “I have money and you don’t” from across the room than gucci, ferragamo, chloe, miu miu, and all those lawbels we, BigLaw Associates, whore about with.

PWLTCD: Undeserving Midlevels

Today, we like to talk about people we’d like to cut and cut deep and go to jail for: undeserving midlevels.

Yeah, there aren’t that many midlevels relatively because each year firms hire huge junior associate classes because they know that 1/3 of them drop out after finding out that biglaw isn’t all about teddy bears and pretty embroirdered pillow cases and hugs-o h my. No, they are full of assholes. Another 1/3 drops out to go inhouse at the beginning of their midlevel career for better hours to spend with their loved ones.

So congrats, you’ve stuckit through because you are probably one of those assholes and has no one who loves you.  Or maybe you’re too stupid to get a job anywhere else.  Wow. Good job.  Congratulations. 

The sad truth is many midlevels aren’t even the ones that are deserving of being in charge of juniors or delegating work to them.  They aren’t the ones who had the best pedigree. In their case the last
man standing isn’t the best man standing. Its just the schmuck.

Therefore, these midlevels refer to form rather than substance. They are the ones who yell at you for not being able to read their minds or their chicken scratching on how to format the exhibit titles or the section heads even though you slaved over the contract for days and made a brillant masterpiece. They can’t teach you anything because stupid people rarely can, so they revert to nitpicking about how you send out emails or file documents. They become controlling to exert their power that is undeservedly theirs.

Like the practice of law, theres really no winner in this competition.

Like the practice of law, there's really no winner in this competition.

 

And this is why we’d like to cut the undeserving midlevels deep.  We’d cut them deep where they
stand. We’d cut them deep while they are bitching about double spacing versus single spacing in the table of contents. We’d cut them and we’d like it.

Nobody believes us when we tell them they are fungible…

Our sincere condolences to the Cadawalder associates who found out we were right the hard way.  Above the law is covering the story extensively.  http://abovethelaw.com/2008/07/cadwalader_licks_your_balls.php#more

Protein Shakes

BigLaw Associates like protein shakes. Why? Because they are quick and easy and we can say, “yeah, I had my protein shake this morning after I hit the gym [read, after I scratched my balls and got to work] and now I’m going to have a power bar” and sound like a sports nut when we aren’t. We like them because it takes about 45 second to make and chug on the way to work. Then when we got home at 2 or 3am and we’ve realized we are out of lean cuisines and Totinos frozen pizza because we haven’t been shopping for at least 3 weeks, we can chug our protein shake we bought in bulk from GNC, Cosco, Sam’s, or online.  Add some milk or water, add a scoop or two of protein powder and voila! Insta-food. It keeps us full enough to forget that we are starving until we pass out from wine and xanax. It’s so time efficient, we don’t even have to chew! and after a few glasses of wine and xanax–we can’t chew! Hallelujah–it’s a match made in Heaven.

They are low in fat, low in carbs, and are pure energy. If we add in redbull, we are a comma-checking, document reviewing machine! You pump iron? We pump paper! And when we’re low on energy, we just pop open a redbull, full throttle, rockstar, old coffee, whatever we can get our hands on and mix it with a protein shake and chug it on down. Hey, the gun show must go on and we can’t stop to “eat.”

Yeah, yeah, the BigLaw firm pays for dinner when you stay that late, but for some reason, none of you monkeys actually think about ordering food while you’re scurrying around until you’re about done and want to go home at 3am. You can either wait 25-45 minutes for dinner to be delivered (you wait so long mainly because the night staff can’t decide if she wants to add cheese sticks or pizza sticks for herself when she’s ordering for you) or get the hell home to watch an episode of your favorite TV show on TiVo, chug a protein shake, and pass out before you have to get up to do it all over again the next morning.

Who knew that a white powder, other than those that are schedule one drugs, could be so valuable?