Self-Evaluations

Being the pompous self centered assholes that we are, there is nothing the biglaw associate enjoys more than the self-evaluation. Once a year (or twice a year if we’re lucky) law firms demand associates to look back on their performance and explain exactly why we deserve our soon to be deflated salaries (or, in recent times, why we deserve to have a job at all). This is quite possibly the only moment in a biglaw associates life that we exercise some form of humility–after all, we don’t want the partners to think that we think we’re better than them (although we already do). The biglaw associate must strike the delicate balance of reminding the partners that we kick ass and actually deserve to make twice as much and make partner in the near future, without letting the partner think that we feel like we’re already a partner. If a biglaw associate could write an evaluation and say what they really feel here’s our idea of what it would say:

Let’s face it, I don’t need to list out all my activities and achievements for the year because we all know the truth–I’m fucking awesome. I’m the most fucking awesome associate you have ever seen. I walk on water. I piss excellence. Just having me walk the hallowed halls of this institution makes people want to hire you. My briefs are so profound I’m submitting them for a Nobel Prize in Literature. The deals I draft and negotiate are so ground breaking they deserve to be profiled on the front page of the Wall Street Journal. The only reason everyone in the world doesn’t know my name is because I’m holding back out of the spirit of teamwork and cooperation. Which brings me to my other skills. I’m the best fucking leader, motivator and delegator to ever walk the earth. I am so effectively leveraged I earn money in my sleep. And let’s not even get started on my business development skills because that would just be arrogant. But since you want to know, let’s just say that the CEO and GC of every Fortune 500 company has me on speed dial. When there’s bet the business litigation or an earth shattering merger I’m the first name that comes to mind. In a nutshell, you’re lucky I allow you to employ me and pay me so little. But I do it out of respect for the team and for this esteemed institution. Hopefully I w, i will grace you with my presence for another year. You’re welcome.

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