BigLaw Associates Like Goodbye Emails

Why They Really Laid Your Ass Off

Why They Really Laid Your Ass Off

BigLaw Associates like Goodbye emails. In light of the current economy, we here at Stuff BigLaw Associates Like, have been drafting goodbye emails in anticipation of being laid off (or, for those who have already been laid off, feel free to use our emails):

Dear [Random Ass BigLaw Firm]:

After [x] years at the Firm, I have finally faced the truth: law students are just a bunch of socially awkward pompous students and BigLaw lawyers are just a big fat bunch of socially awkward pompous assholes and when I couldn’t stand the former, I should have know the latter was even more unbearable. While I would like to stay at the Firm just purely for comedic purposes hearing about which junior associate slept with which senior partner who is already on his third wife or the stories about the attorney employment director who is sleeping with a senior partner or the hundreds of racial slurs that at which even the unreconstructed South would be impressed, I have to return to Earth and real society filled with real people and not just a bunch of walking archetypal discontent malcontent bastards right out of a B movie where the screenwriter lacked creativity. So, hasta luego suckers (but I don’t really want to see you later.)

Dear [Random Ass BigLaw Firm]:

I came to this Firm thinking that it I had the opportunity of a life time. I, however, cannot in good conscience thank the firm for such “opportunity” as I’m shoved out the door. The firm is filled wih disloyal backstabbers (before BigLaw, I thought that might have been a redundant description but you have taken both disloyalty and backstabbing to a higher art form that respect must be paid to both), shit talkers, and women who are only rebels from the waist down like they were straight out of the novel 1984. I learned nothing at this firm except that in the toilet of BigLaw, shit floats to the top when gold sinks to the bottom. I hope everyone achieves their goal of being the best BigLaw associate they can be: i.e. padding your hours with no ethical remorse; stealing work from your fellow coworkers; feeling up the summer associates; and just being general incompetent a-holes.

Dear [Random Ass BigLaw Firm]:

I have decided to leave this job to save my soul. When I started at [random ass firm], I was an atheist but after [x] years here, I believe there is a Hell as I reported to said Hell 6 days a week for 70-80 hours a week, billing my time in said Hell in 6 minute increments. I used to think that if there was a Hell, there must be a God but after working here, I think God has abandoned us. Like the albatross around the Mariner’s neck, so hung the stench of the unethical b.s. and incompetence around this Firm. No amount of xanax and alcohol will allow me to overcome the trauma of working at this Firm.

Dear [Random Ass BigLaw Firm]:

Fuck you.

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4 Responses

  1. Just passing by.Btw, your website have great content!

    _________________________________
    Making Money $150 An Hour

  2. this website is dumb. thanks for nothing, idiot.

  3. adlkfaj: is it because you don’t have the balls to actually send a goodbye email when you’re laid off or because you never had a job? you’re also very creative in your descriptions “nothing” “idiot” I can tell you are very smart and a big ass-et to your “firm” (i.e. your parents’ extra room in their house since you’re probably a bottom feeder).

  4. The person who wrote the 3rd comment is obviously the author of this site…which is really quite dumb. Not only does it lack real insight into what “biglaw associates like,” but this post was the most conspicuous sign of fear from a pseduo-apathetic associate.

    Revamp your site and focus on actual informative posts or else stop misleading readers into thinking that your site is something that it’s not.

    P.S. And you are obviously envious of the much more substantive (and comical) ATL.

    *my two cents*

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