Dear Biglaw: am I safe?

We haven’t done an advice column in a while, but the recent economic developments have generated a few gems worth responding to.  Here’s our favorite:

Dear Biglaw:

Should I be worried about my job?  i got the best evaluation I’ve ever had in my life.  It was truly fucking awesome.   I’m on cloud 9 and think I really have a future at this place.  I feel like I’ve really found my calling.   There was not one negative comment.  Do you think I’m safe?

–Asswipe

Dear Asswipe:

Were there actually any details in your awesome evaluation?  Were you compared to your peers and told where you stand in the crowd of those left?  Were you given any targets for the next year or the next 6 months?  Did you get work from any new sources following your “fucking awesome” evaluation?  Are you billing 200+ hours a month?  Has anyone else in your class or section been fired recently?  I’m going to assume the answer to all these questions is no.  So guess what asswipe: what you’re in right now is law firm purgatory…not enough of a kiss ass to definitely keep, not competent or threatening enough to fire and too stupid to know the difference.   Given your stupidity, you could also just be really cheap labor and maybe it was easier to fire 100 secretaries and just have you take over answering the phones and printing documents for dinosaur partners.  

So you’re left with a couple of options: (1) make the full transition from a self-absorbed asswipe to a full fledged asshole and drink a hell of a lot more kool-aid (so far you’re only drinking your own,  not your law firm’s), which still won’t gaurantee your job; or (2) start seeing your career for what it really is–a big stinking pile of law firm bullshit.  I’m sure your mommy told you you were special, but guess what–she lied.  You’re fungible just like everybody else.

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One Response

  1. hahaha, asswipe! that’s what you say right before you shove a little shit into the locker. it’s true, BigLaw asswipe associates drink their own koolaid–they’re just a bunch of pompous little shits. Can we build a gigantic locker and shove all of them into it (after we give them wedgies, of course)

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