Speculation

BigLaw Associates love to speculate. We speculate on everything, mainly because we like to hear the sound of our oh-so-sexy voice. We speculate on everything, like how fast it will be to get that chick into bed. Or what color her panties are. Or, an even more impossible thing for us to actually know anything about besides women, is the state of the economy. We like to say sentences that include words like “sector” “movement” “cycle”. Let me demonstrate: “there is alot of movement and activity in that sector that I think the market will be in an upswing by [insert random ass date] that they can’t possibly lay all of us because they’ll need us when the market picks back up. It’s just a cycle and we’ll be back up soon.” Bullshit. You assholes don’t know what you’re talking about. They will lay your ass off now and then worry about it later, why? Because partners need to make their  yacht payments NOW and then worry about your stupid asses and the deals or cases that may or may not come later. What’s the point on having some piddly associate employed when you can’t buy your wife the second beamer before she leaves your ass for her cosmetic surgeon? What’s wrong with you? this is simple logic. Love thyself, screw thy little peons.

You think probono hours are going to save your stupid ass? Yeah, what? your firm credits you 150 or 200 hours of probono work a year and then what? You think they actually give a shit about how many battered women you get protection orders for when they can’t make the payment on their new swimming pool that they now just have a huge hole in their back yard and a bunch of pissed of contractors who want to get paid?

Yes, we BigLaw Associates like to speculate, but this time, we really like to lie to ourselves. Even when on Black Thursday there were 700-800 fallen soldiers, we still think we’re golden. Watch your back. Get a plan B. And don’t expect Mr. Partner to give a goddamn about you or your livelihood.

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One Response

  1. I speculate that I’ll have a great job in THREE months when the economy picks up…or, er…when my severance package runs out.

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