Again, what is Stuff BigLaw Associates Like if it doesn’t have another installment of PWLTCD. That is, people we’d like to cut and cut deep and go to jail for.

The IT guy. Wait, not all IT guys. Just the IT guys at the help desk you have to call after hours because everyone else has gone home but you are doing hours of due diligence or trying to turn a document all by yourself because your firm has fired all the juniors who would type in your chicken scratches into the document.

IT guy, you know which one of you I’m calling out. Yes, I know you had a hard 2 years in associate school or you actually went to undergrad and even back then, you had your phone clipped to the outside of your  jeans on your braided leather belt while you sported any style using the L.A. Looks Gel or mousse (seriously, who uses GEL anymore?) thinking you were fly like Fresh Prince.

I know you are sick and tired of moron partners asking you why all the letters type in all caps all of a sudden. Yes, it’s annoying when you’re faced with true stupidity. But when I call you’re stupid ass up about some REAL question about the outdated version of word we use (that YOU installed) or how damn slow our server is and it keeps giving me weird error messages and BEEPING AT ME (goddamn the beeping! the damn computer still beeps even with the volume muted), I don’t want you to give me attitude while I hear you fucking flipping through the manual. I don’t want you to sit there and read to me shit you don’t already know AND give me some pompous attitude. You should be glad we’re separated by phone line and I haven’t invented a way to cut you electronically. Don’t give me the verbal finger in the face when I tell you I’m having a problem you don’t know how to fix or I tell you my computer is giving me an error message you can’t even decipher. Just say you don’t goddamn know. Don’t SIGH before every sentence you begin, you pompous jerk and act like I’m the stupid one in this conversation.

And don’t tell me to drop the attitude when you give me shit. I’m an A-TTOR-NEY. I get paid to give people attitude and you’re pissing me off. I’m tired of you telling me to just restart the computer and “see what happens.” I hate it when  you log onto my computer remotely and I have to watch you stupidly move my mouse cursor around because you don’t know what you’re doing either. I don’t need TWO people sitting here not knowing what they are doing. I got shit to do! If I ever find out where your remote location is (since my firm fired our inhouse help technicians to “save money” while they continue to interview laterals–MOTHER FUCKER. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??), I will cut you. I will break your mouse and cut you with the plastic edges. I will cut you deep and I will go to jail for it.

@#$#$^$@!#!@#$%^$^!! ERROR 404!


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