BigLaw Associates Like Smoke

They like this kind of smoke too...

They like this kind of smoke too...

BigLaw Associates Like Smoke and little catch phrases to recite very loudly to unsuspecting women, men hitting on the hot girl we want to hit on, and our “colleagues” whom we don’t respect because we just want to get ahead. We are lawyers. Hear us roar. We wear fancy wool suits and leave the last button on our sleeve unbuttoned so everyone knows it was a custom tailor made suit. We wear ferragamo shoes and smart leather accessories made from unsuspecting baby bovines to give it that soft sheen (hey, we are nothing if not label whores). We look like we’re hot shots. We look like we’re sexy and glamorous (even if the guys are a bit short). But we really are the wizard in the Wizard of Oz. Some poor fool born in Kansas with a lot of smoke up his ass.

Let me explain.

When you meet a lawyer, especially a junior one (years 1-4, yes FOUR, you still don’t know shit as a fourth year and are just another undeserving midlevel) and he says this:

“I work on alot of high profile deals”
He really means one of the following

a) I did due diligence for one of the few deals going on now (which is why it is high profile since everything else is dead) even though I’m a third year because the market is slow and I don’t want to get laid off.
b) I worked on one high profile deal in 2007 and then got relegated to doing resolutions and officer’s certificates and got to even do one allonge (yippee!) because the market is dead
c) I’m lying and I just want you to a) sleep with me b) envy me c) give me money or d) all of the above
d) I have spent my entire law firm career since I started in fall of 2008 differentiating between the following: a) Company, LLC b) Company LLC c) Company, L.L.C. and d) Company L.L.C.

“I work on a lot of high profile cases”

a) I did doc review for the litigation section even though I’m a corporate attorney because it’s dead now for us.
b) I really do work on a lot of high profile cases because everyone is suing everyone else for defaulting on loans and the credit agreement some punk ass churned out as a second year in 2007 was a piece of shit
c) I’m lying and I just want you to a) sleep with me b) envy me c) give me money or d) all of the above

“I went to law school because I wanted to defend justice”

a) I went to law school because everyone from the cool frat who used to shove me into lockers went to business school and I don’t want to be near them
b) I wanted to get a law degree so I could feel really super important and use latin words that I don’t even know the meaning of
c) I’m full of shit and wanted to make money from my shit fullness. res ipsa loquitur

“I billed twelve hours today”

a) I’m full of shit and I’m a billable poser
b) I billed two hours of pro bono, picked my ass the rest of the day, and freaked out about getting laid off
c) I really billed twelve hours a day because I’m a tool, a fucking tool, and I like it

“I only drink top shelf martinis”

a) I’m a prick
b) Who says things like that except for pricks? Oh wait, I’m a prick.
c) I do it so I can forget about my little…uh

“I make a lot of money”
a) I really do make a lot of money
b) I still make a lot of money even though my salary is frozen but I’m going to bitch about it like, oh wait, a little bitch
c) I got laid off but want to still pretend I make a lot of money

You see, lawyers are like the wizard in the Wizard of Oz who are afraid some little kick-a-me dog is going to expose us as the fraud we are. We are the man hiding behind a curtain of b.s. operating a console with a bunch of buttons and levers (but the “lever” we pull is our own). That’s why we like the smoke and the mirrors. That’s why we like the catch phrases and the competitive b.s. almost as much as ex-hedge fund guys or I-bankers (Ok, seriously, if you are an “analyst” do not say you are an i-banker. It makes us all laugh and sometimes we can’t hold it in until you turn around and do it behind your backs so we are forced to laugh in your faces. Seriously. For everyone’s sake.) And even if you do make oogles and oogles of cash, you’re still a pompous prick.

Just remember kids: “You can pay for school but you can’t buy class” (El-P)

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One Response

  1. funny, Funny, FUNNY!! You rock.

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