BigLaw Associates like the word “attorney”

BigLaw Associates love to say “attorney.” Why? Because it sounds more important than “lawyer” especially in a bar to a poor unsuspecting woman. Along with saying that they’re an attorney, they love wearing their suits (and whatever gucci cuff links or label whore items they can pile on themselves at the same time and possibly twirling their keys to the beamer they bought with a loan they are now regretting since their bonus and salaries are most likely frozen),to the bar even if they show up at 9pm and they only billed one hour that day and had time to go home to change into something normal. But then again, we might not want attorneys to change into what they think is good “going out clothes” because often times this includes the dreaded “shiny shirt”.

Exhibit "A" for "asshole"

Exhibit "A" for "asshole"

Oh, the shiny shirt. So for better or for worse, these attorneys show up to bars in their suits speaking very loudly so that if the woman he is hitting on isn’t interested, maybe that unassuming innocent looking asian girl is (hey, they’re easy targets and it’s not about meeting anyone with substance at bars now is it–it’s about someone who will be really super impressed by your occupation as an “attorney”? That’s A-TTOR-NEY, three syllables and not just two like “lawyer”) and maybe she’ll hear that you 1) are an A-TTOR-NEY 2) know the owner of the club (even though you don’t) and 3) are REALLY SUPER IMPORTANT. These “attorneys” who probably still have “admission pending” on their signature line in the work email top the chart when it comes to people women should avoid at bars. It reminds me of the medical students that would come into college bars with their scrubs on and hit on the freshman who is still undecided in her major (like, giggle, oh-my-gawd!). But now, instead of scrubb wearing med students (who will have careers far more important and successful than most of us, especially in this market), we now have A-TTOR-NEYS.

The only thing worse than A-TTOR-NEYs are hedge fund guys who still act like they’ve got swagger and hit on women they are hoping are kindergarten teachers and aren’t hip to the fact that they, if they are still employed, are at the bottom of the shit pile now. Now, a hedge fund guy in a shiny shirt? That’s evil we can’t speak of on this blog.


6 Responses


  2. sweeet! this one was hilarious!! yes! at least once a week if not more!

    I need to feed myself vicariously through your bitter, but humorous, anger

  3. Um, I think I know the guy in the shiny shirt. I like the word “lawyer” but, alas, I never use it. I’ve succumbed to the dark side and only refer to myself as an A-TTOR-NEY. Maybe I’ll just start wearing scrubs to bars and referring to myself as “doctor.” At least then maybe I’d get some tail.

  4. Scrubs to the bar…tempting strategy. Only 2 challenges:

    Someone who knows you’re an A-TTOR-NEY may recognize you.

    The woman you hit on may be a doctor.

    On another note, I think ‘hedge fund’ still sounds good to a layperson; should still work in a bar.

  5. Just introduce yourself like I do:

    “Harvey Birdman, A-TTOR-NEY at Law.”

  6. DJ: Do you really know one of the guys in the shiny shirt? Wow.

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