BigLaw Senior Associates like kids. Why do they like kids? Not because they are cute when they are running around screaming like little cab drivers, but because BigLaw Associates can learn from them.

Can’t get something you want and you don’t know what to do? What does little Sarah do? Kick and scream and stop her feet. And you should also do this in a fellow associate’s office when you don’t get your way. They might not respect you but they’ll sure as hell be afraid of your craziness and relent. That’s what you wanted anyway right? who cares about respect when you get your way?

Want someone to do the work you don’t want to do and you don’t know what to do? What does Billy do? Act like the school yard bully and put everyone’s head in the toilet and give them a swirly. While you can’t actually give people swirlies, you can demean them to the point where they have thought they spent the better half of the day with their head in a public toilet. You can also be nice to people once a month and perhaps employ the Stockholm Syndrome* on your secretary and the associates below you. Hell, it worked for bank robbers–why not for you?

Just so damn angry about some bullshit but you don’t know how to handle it because your mommy didn’t hug you enough as a child and you were never socialized proper as a tot? what does little Timmy do? Throw shit and curse at the top of his lungs and let it out on some poor sap you think you can beat up if it came down to it. Timmy usually grows up to be homicidal maniac, usually striking either in a suit at work or at a random dairy queen in east illinois. Everyone will talk about you behind your back and you won’t get invited to any parties, but everyone will also fear you. Don’t believe King Arthur and his pussy talk–it is better to be feared than loved (I  mean, look what his principals got him? A wife who was banging his best friend. Now if that wifey and that best friend were afraid Arthur was going to put a few round from an AKC into them, she probably would have been straight as an arrow and not messing around with Lancelot’s arrow).

Senior associates also like kids for networking.  Say you don’t play golf and can’t find an in with that senior partner.  Well, you can just get your wife pregnant then sit around talking about how stupid, expensive and lazy women are.  Or, if you happen to be one of those stupid, expensive and lazy women who got pregnant, you can connect with the femi-Nazi partners who are a part of the women’s efforts at your firm or your nanny can bond with partner’s wives.  Maybe they won’t fire you if your children are in the same class.

*Ah, the Stockholm Syndrome. Hold on to your panties, because we’re going to be posting a blog on this one soon!


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