Giving (Figurative) Head

After having most of their creativity crushed by law school, and after being (figuratively) raped in the mouth, anus and ear by the bar exam, Biglaw associates like to continue the trend of (figuratively) demeaning self-flatuation by giving (figurative) head at their law firms. Like stripping and developing a nasty drug habit, law school and the bar exam are the gateway to a (figurative) lifetime on your knees. Some people clean up, get out and marry well. But others just end up giving blow jobs in the alley for drugs, or in the case of the Biglaw associate, an inflated salary and a future addled by actual drug addiction (and we’re not talking about a blowberry either).
The first day at [Insert name of big law firm here] is when you’ve officially (figuratively) swallowed. You (figuratively) assumed the position by going through the interview process and/or being a summer associate. Perhaps you (figuratively) dabbled in the blow jobs for money practice as a summer when you agreed that without corporations there would be no good in America, or by convincing yourself that you would donate a big portion of your inflated salary to charity. But on the first day when you sat through orientation, realized that the summer associate niceness was all bullshit, that you’d spend your life checking line spacing and commas, yet you still sat your ass there and took it–you (figuratively) swallowed for the first time and became a dirty biglaw whore. The first family function or other important event you miss due to work is when you’ve (figuratively) taken your index finger and run it along the figurative vein in the bottom of [Law firm]’s dick–base to head–until every last drop is down your throat. Each bonus is a (figurative) slap of their dick on your cheek. Cause you know you’re worth more, but you’ve convinced yourself that the firm is being good to you. You “figurative” fucking whore!  A blow job is still a job, but a job that requires you to take an occassional shot in the eye is not a job you want to keep.

Some like to think that taking a lower paying job for the government or a smaller law firm is better. They think they’re the high class “Pretty Woman” type whores who have been saved by Richard Gere. But you’re wrong. It’s the worst because they treat you like shit AND you don’t get paid. The splashback at the government is worse than at firms because your boss is some disgruntled underpaid asshole as opposed to the overpaid assholes biglaw associates work for. Working for the governmen is (figuratively) taking it in the ass . . . bareback: some people like it, more people hate it, only a select few “assholes” love it, but it’s basically just shitty for everyone.

 

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