Protein Shakes

BigLaw Associates like protein shakes. Why? Because they are quick and easy and we can say, “yeah, I had my protein shake this morning after I hit the gym [read, after I scratched my balls and got to work] and now I’m going to have a power bar” and sound like a sports nut when we aren’t. We like them because it takes about 45 second to make and chug on the way to work. Then when we got home at 2 or 3am and we’ve realized we are out of lean cuisines and Totinos frozen pizza because we haven’t been shopping for at least 3 weeks, we can chug our protein shake we bought in bulk from GNC, Cosco, Sam’s, or online.  Add some milk or water, add a scoop or two of protein powder and voila! Insta-food. It keeps us full enough to forget that we are starving until we pass out from wine and xanax. It’s so time efficient, we don’t even have to chew! and after a few glasses of wine and xanax–we can’t chew! Hallelujah–it’s a match made in Heaven.

They are low in fat, low in carbs, and are pure energy. If we add in redbull, we are a comma-checking, document reviewing machine! You pump iron? We pump paper! And when we’re low on energy, we just pop open a redbull, full throttle, rockstar, old coffee, whatever we can get our hands on and mix it with a protein shake and chug it on down. Hey, the gun show must go on and we can’t stop to “eat.”

Yeah, yeah, the BigLaw firm pays for dinner when you stay that late, but for some reason, none of you monkeys actually think about ordering food while you’re scurrying around until you’re about done and want to go home at 3am. You can either wait 25-45 minutes for dinner to be delivered (you wait so long mainly because the night staff can’t decide if she wants to add cheese sticks or pizza sticks for herself when she’s ordering for you) or get the hell home to watch an episode of your favorite TV show on TiVo, chug a protein shake, and pass out before you have to get up to do it all over again the next morning.

Who knew that a white powder, other than those that are schedule one drugs, could be so valuable?


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