PWLTCD: Law Clerks

Today, I’d like to talk about law clerks. And how we here at Stuff BigLaw Associates Like want to cut them. Yes, there are exceptions to the rule (like the kids who end up going to Yale and working at Wachtell) but we want to talk in overgeneralizations and streotypes here and we don’t care about individuality.*

Yes, we know you are 18, 19, still living in your parents’ house and still think that you are bound for bigger and better things if and when you actually decide to go to school or get enough credits at community college to transfer to Generic State school. Yes, we know that you’d rather be at home playing guitar hero and smoking pot. Yes, we know that you know that nobody respects you and you are forced to getting us sandwiches against firm policy, or making copies, or sorting paper, etc. But do you have to be a fucking retard about it?

Look, you’re one job is to scan and copy shit. Why is it when I’m trying to distribute executed sig pages before the funding deadline, you have to fuck up and scan things in sideways? Haven’t you scanned a billion and seven pieces of paper before? Why is it this time you forget which way it goes into the scanner. Why is it page 6 is upside down and page 11 is sideways?

I would normally think you were being purposefully malicious but I can tell you’re just a moronic slacker. I know you think you’re too smart to have to sit there and scan shit, then why don’t you quit and go be a meter maid or something that’s more in line with intellegence level instead of fucking up my documents?

When I ask you to copy a whole stack of paper, don’t accidentally drop the stack, scoop it all back together, make 7 copies, and return it to me only for me to find out that the pages are out of order, upside down, copied on the blank side, and says Law Clerk Is a Moron all over it (well, maybe not the last one, but it might as well say that) AFTER I have you FedEx it out.

And of course we take the heat.

We take the heat because clients aren’t paying us hundreds of dollars an hour to delegate crap like this to you at the same time they don’t want to pay hundreds of dollars an hour for an attorney to do crap like this. It’s a catch-22. It’s a runny pooh versus constipated shit type of situation–both suck for anyone around and both don’t feel that great. Yeah, hindsight is 20/20 and we should have checked it before we sent it out, but we didn’t think you were dumber than a bonobo monkey (though you both partake in the same favorite past time way too much).

For God’s sake, your job is to do something like this:

For a copy job:
1. Place paper in automatic feeder THE RIGHT WAY
2. Hit the COPY button

For a scan job:
1. Place paper in automatic feeder THE RIGHT WAY
2. Hit the SCAN button

Why oh why oh why can’t you do this? it’s like I’m stuck in Sartre’s No-Exit and instead of two other people, I’m stuck with one idiot law clerk and a copy/scan machine and the damn bellhop just won’t fucking open the door and let me out.

This makes me want to cut you. But cut you with a dull knife. Or give you paper cuts with a stack of papers until it is deep enough to go to jail for. and then pour some salt on you. alot of salt. alot. all over your cuts.

*There is a higher level of cut-worthy law clerks: the children of “important people.”  These are the slacker, possibly retarded children of clients, judges or partners at other firms who got too many MIPs in high school to get into the state school their parents contributed millions to.  So they’re spending a couple of years working at a firm–and by working we mean having lunch with people who wouldn’t give an associate the time of day and copping attitude when asked to do any real work–and traveling the world on their parents’ dime to get “life experience.”  Their cars are more flashy than the ones BigLaw associates blow money on.   Their clothes are more expensive versions of the private school uniforms they spent the last decade or so wearing while snorting coke (or smoking crack to be ironic) in the basement.  These people are so cut-worthy that they will require their own subsequent entry.


One Response

  1. I hate it when you give a project to a law clerk who then informs you that they get off at 5 and don’t have time to do it….then they go back to talking on the phone or surfing the web.

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