PWLTCD: Billable Posers

It’s now July,  and with many firms on fiscal calendars that end in October or November, associates are beginning to spend more time looking at their individual financials so they can determine where they fall when bonus checks come around.  So naturally, today, we’d like to talk about Posers. And we don’t mean the kids who shop at Hot Topic and paint their nails black to look tough when they really listen to Hanah Montana and cry to Avril Lavigne’s lyrics. We’re talking about a much worse type of poser: the BigLaw Billable Poser.

You know, the type who cancel lunch plans, don’t have time to stop and chat in the hall ways, gchats with you just to tell you how he/she is too busy to gchat, complain how much they work by sending you an email from their blackberry at 6pm after they’ve left work, boast about how much work they have and how they can’t waste time exercising, eating, sleeping, bathing, socializing, or  having a life because they are just SO DAMN BUSY. but they’re not. They are really just busy trying to think of ways they can show other people that they are busy and thus, a better little monkey than his or her fellow associate.

They are the posers who have time to change their facebook status every 10 minutes to things like: “Poser is hoping to get just a few hours of sleep tonight,” or “is hoping to get just one day off this month,” but then claim they are too busy to chit chat in the hallway with you and your friends. They are the type who close their doors so you think they are intellectually masturbating but they are really mentally vegetating as they shop on ebay.

Depending on how skilled the poser is, you may or may not be convinced. But even if you are convinced, numbers don’t lie, and some BigLaw firms post the revenue each attorney brings in. That, my friend, is the Moment of Truth. It’s like as if you just found out that your macho guy friend writes his feelings down in a diary. It’s like when you found out that the guy you had a crush on doesn’t really play the guitar but carries around a pick in his wallet. It’s like when you found out that the girl you were dating has a fake Italian accent. But none of these scenarios are as bad as the Billable Poser.  Billable Posers take their posing so far that after the Moment of Truth they will switch their busy-ness to unfair non-billable or non-revenue time that only they get asked to do because partners love them so much.   They refuse to admit that they are either (1) the dumbest person on Earth who take 20 hours to do something a secretary could do in 30 minutes, or (2) playing poker all day.  This is why attorneys who still lie about their LSAT score (aside: seriously, who gives a fuck? We all know your daddy wrote a letter and got you into law school) comes in as a close second but cannot surpass the Billable Poser in the line of people that we here at Stuff BigLaw Associates Like want to cut and cut deep and go to jail for. In fact, we’d cut these people again when we got out of jail and go back to jail for it.


7 Responses

  1. God. I know the type. But we all know that they are lying which is the best part of it.

  2. If someone from a different section tells me how much they billed, I’m going to hit them with my car late at night.

  3. Whatever. It’s all about iage and if you look like you’re working hard, partners won’t thinl you’re slacking. And if you look like you are sucking dick and that’s the only reason you have the job- well, everyone will think you are.

  4. Just FYI, the proper word is “poseur.” Sad that you write an entire extended blog entry and don’t even know the proper term for the subject.

  5. …And sometimes they’re just soon to be (or already) unemployed assholes. You were that guy in law school, weren’t you?

  6. You’re an ass Stevenp. What’s sad is that you write a comment pretending to school someone, when you are a fucking idiot and wrong. Both spellings are correct:

    sigh, I hope you get laid off soon if not already.

    I assume you weren’t on law review and have a gigantic stick up your ass.

  7. Thanks anon. I hate it when people don’t use google before commenting.

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