BM: Online Shopping

Today’s post is another on in our series of Blowing Money (or BM for short).

One way to blow money while stuck at work is through online shopping. Ebay, bluefly, skymall– all that shit is online. When we’re not busy billing, we’re busying blowing money. Do we look busy starting intently at our computer screen? That’s because we are! We’re trying to decide if we want to gold strappy sandals or the black stilletos.  We’re wondering what new item from pottery barn will look the best next to our new $3000 tempurpedic mattress we just ordered. Forget your girlfriend’s birthday? No problem! Send her flowers with a swarovski crystal–BLADOW–there goes $300! Forget Father’s Day? No problem! Send him a gift card to the nicest steakhouse that takes online payments.

This series of BM is the easiest–all you need is a credit card and an internet connection. Good thing for us, BigLaw allows us to have both. BigLaw also has front door delivery service for our little goodies. We don’t have to worry about being there to sign. The mail room sorts it, some poor schlup has to bring it to our 52nd floor office, our secretary then has to knock cautiously to get our attention (because she thinks we are deep in thought about work while we decide between the Tiffany’s cuff links or the Ferragamo wallet–both more expensive than gold but worth less) and places the package (of whatever crap we just bought) ever so gently in our office. And if the package is big, you can get a law clerk to wheel it down to the lobby for your lazy ass. (BM online is tiring! whew!)

You can buy virtually anything online. You can buy any physical shit online. But now, you can buy gym memberships, horoscopes, porn, personality tests, memberships to online dating services because you’re a single loser–the list just goes on.

We do it, not just because it’s fun (and it is), but because we need to. Blowing Money online is the white noise we need to drown out the mundane shit that we have to deal with every day that is way less fun. As Aristotle said, the function of man is to be happy. And buying random piles of shit online makes me happy.

We buy shit we don’t even want. We buy shit that we think would be funny. We buy shit that we know we don’t want and shit we know isn’t that funny. We buy it because it takes only two clicks. We buy it because we can. We buy it because in 3-5 business days, we get to tear open a package and grasp our brand new shiny shoe/purse/golf accessory/dress/custom sunglasses/business card holder/furniture/kitchen utensils/and random crap that we bought. It’s like Christmas and Birthday at the same time–and you don’t get lame shit like a lumpy sweater and you don’t have smile and pretend you like it.

And if you don’t like it, all you have to do is get your secretary to package it back up and call the mail room, and the same poor schlup has to come up to your 52nd floor and haul it away. With a waive of your hand, it’s taken care of. Everything is credited back to your credit card and you never even have to deal with it. (Unless some stupid bastard company screws up on your refund and then it is three phone calls and 52 min of arguing). It’s the closest we piddly associates get to being royalty.

So, my loyal servants, blow money online! I command you!

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3 Responses

  1. I prefer blowing my money on hookers and blow

  2. I bet you could get both online if you tried hard enough.

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