Talking Loudly

BigLaw Associates like to talk loudly–no matter where they are. In the office, in the restaurant, in the apartment, in the squatter. Afterall, the louder one talks, the more important one is (or the more ignorant one is when talking to a foreigner). Talking loud makes us important and drowns out the mundane details of the profession we have dedicated our lives to and linked our credit score with hoping we don’t get fired and unable to make the ungodly large payments to keep up the lifestyle that tells everyone: HEY! WE’RE IMPORTANT!

Don’t get us wrong, our dear readers, the law can be exciting and interesting…in theory. In practice, we’d all rather watch an ant masturbate.

I know you know what I mean because attorneys are the ones who talk extra loud at nice swanky restaurants in the hopes that other patrons can hear them recite all the reasons why they are important people and other pompous blabber streaming from them.  We proclaim to others how very important we are, and loudly, in attempt to convince ourselves what we do is worthwhile. Though, during hour thirty-nine of due diligence, it’s a little hard to attain this goal.

But during the zenith of the evening, before we pass out from valium and whisky, we admit to ourselves that we are indeed cogs in the machine who constantly lube ourselves in order to continue running smoothly with alcohol, sex, scandalous sex, a mixture of jism and spermicidal lube, self-warming self-important massage oil, and whatever the hell other vice that we can get our hands on.  Using words like “transactional”, and “international” and “corporate” “litigation” “voire doir” “res ipsa loquitur” and “I’m rich, do you want to sleep with me” may sound oh-so-sexy, but it’s hard to deny that “monkey” “cog” “squatter” “tool” “corporate whore” “little bitch” “douche bag” and “puppet” more exactly describes us.  So to live up to the “douche bag” label, we spend our time away from the office being as loud and obnoxious as possible.  You wouldn’t believe that we’re awesome if we didn’t scream it at you.