Wednesday Advice Column: A Shot in the Dark

Dear BigLaw Associate:

I landed a job at BigLaw just barely. I bought a new car, I have an expensive shoe and handbag collection, and I got a boob job. I know its possible that I can get fired (but of course I overcompensate by putting down my peers). I do a mediocre job because I’d rather be sipping a martini at a seen-or-be-seen type of
place.  But I go to all of the firm functions, summer associate recruiting events and make the rounds with the partners and maybe some associates who i can either use or back-stab later on. I get a lot of work from certain male partners even when other girls from better schools aren’t busy. I think I am generally well liked by everyone-after all I’m social and I think I’m hot and I have large breasts.  Do you think I have a shot at partnership? I was just going to hang out and pay off student loans, but maybe I actually have a shot.

Dear Shot In the Dark:

I call you shot in the dark, but the name Shot On The Chin seems more your style. I know your type. You get work from certain male partners but its not substantive work- you’re just too dumb or high on blow to
know. They give you work so that you’ll come in to their office and laugh at their stupid jokes and to make them think they are still desirable after the compulsory 45+lbs they’ve put on since starting.
I’m assuming you’re junior because as much as partners like ass, they like cheap ass more and not one that is costing them $250k a year. Along those same lines, once you do hit that threshold of being too
old and too expensive (as much as you’d like to think you are like wine, you don’t get better as you age), you, too, will get a swift kick to the curb with only your implants to soften the blow. After all, why buy the cow when you get the milk for free? (Cows Milk would also have been a good nickname). And the world isn’t short of cows and BigLaw isn’t short of floozies so a first year with bigger and newer boobs will come along and you’ll just be old tough meat.  You could reach out to your colleagues at other firms or in-house but here’s the kicker: nobody really liked you and if they did, it was for the same reasons the male partners did and you’re old now so they like you less.

Just milk the job as long as you can, abuse the corporate card, sleep with the partners and have them buy you pretty shiny things, and hope for the best. You can try to get married now to an older man but make
sure you get a prenupt so you get something when he too trades you in. So, sorry, my answer is: nope! You’re still fungible!  I hope you’re wearing knee pads….

These will fit nicely under a suit.

These will fit nicely under a suit.

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3 Responses

  1. I personally like hos. They are a good alternative to gchat, surfing the net, bouncing a ball off your wall, etc. Though dumber than a ball, their implants probably allow them to bounce twice as high. Here’s to hos! And god bless america where girls are stil hired according to their breast sizes!

  2. Everybody likes hoes, but loving them is a violation of epic proportions. Hoes go to law school in an attempt to disguise their hoeness, but if they don’t get the MRS during the 3 years they have a hard time concealing it after they start working.

  3. I like hoes because they make me feel better about myselfm why do you like hoes?

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