Summer Associates

Biglaw associate on May 1

The only people who appreciate BigLaw associates more than biglaw associates themselves are those who aspire to become BigLaw associates–the Summer Associate.  For 6 to 12 weeks out of the year law firms are inundated with bright-eyed future lawyers who want nothing more than to eat sushi for 3 hours in the middle of the day and spend their afternoons at golf courses and spas.

The Summer Associate’s most redeeming quality is his unending worship of the biglaw associate.  The summer associate tags along to a closing and tells the biglaw associate, “wow that was such brilliant lawyering.  I have never seen anyone collate and staple that way.  It was so wonderful how you anticipated the partner’s need for red bull.  I would never had caught all those misplaced commas. Without you that whole closing would have fallen apart. I could never ever be as good at this stuff as you are.”  Finally, someone appreciates the biglaw associate. 

The fact that this person is an earlier version of him or herself (meaning that the biglaw associate, for the good of mankind, should try to liberate the Summer Associate and not recruit them) is of no consequence to them.  Instead, their ego is inflated above and beyond as they begin to feel expert in something (hey, it doesn’t take much for the biglaw associates to believe that others think they are as magnanimous as they always suspected they were).

As a result, the BigLaw associate wants nothing more than to spend every moment of their free time “recruiting” the Summer Associate.  The truth is, before the summer associates arrived the biglawssociate had no real friends and now, with the introduction of 22 year old sychophants who are forced to hang with them to get a job, they have finally found someone who understands them and likes everything they like.   The truth is the Summer Associate goes along with the program–after all there’s free food and free alcohol at every turn so why not hang out with the douche bag with the corporate card?  But some summer associates take it to the next level.  The Summer Associate with the least academic ability can be found latching on to the BigLaw associate with the biggest ego to stroke and engage in a romantic relationship thinking it will somehow secure a job for them. But what the Summer Associate doesn’t know, is that they were a “pity” hire so the firm could appease the local school. They have no chance anyway.

There are also the BigLaw associates who let it go too far–they think their status as a good recruiter means they are a good lawyer.  They lord over their fellow associates with a sense of job security that should only come from owning your own business.  They now not only feel secured, but also justified. BigLaw is grateful to have them, dammit. They start to believe that they are in fact “great” and not “fungible. Or that they are “useful” and not “so dumb that monkeys would leave them behind to die on an island by themselves with only a conch to establish order.” (I hated that book). Or that they are “cool” and not “socially retarded.”

Biglaw associate on August 1.

It’s a vicious circle. The BigLaw associate feeds off the Summer Associate for egotistical lube, and the Summer Associate milks the BigLaw associate for a job. And as Charlotte for the runt pig, the Summer Associate weaves a web of smoke making the BigLaw Associate think he is more than he is. But, unlike the runt pig, nobody will save either the Summer Associate or BigLaw Associate, who stuff their respective fat faces with free decadent food and fatten themselves up on the firm’s dime, from being slaughtered. Partners like bacon. What can we say?

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One Response

  1. I think you should talk more about having sex with summer associates. It’s as fun talking about it as it is doing it.

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