PWLTCD: The Networkers

A periodic element of this blog will be a running list of the people who permeate our lives as biglaw associates and make us want to commit gruesome and unjustifiable homicide: People We’d Like To Cut Deep enough to go to jail for (or PWLTCD for short).  Feel free to contribute your own suggestions in the comments section.

50% of these people are homicidal...the others are Networkers.

75% of the people in this room are homicidal; 25% deserve to die.

The first person on our list is the  networker. This person views every interaction of any kind as an opportunity to “network.”  Every conversation is “proper” and has the perfect pattern to illicit as much information and usefulness for the networker’s career as possible.  The networker always knows someone who does exactly the same things you do, but they never do anything themselves (mainly because no one ever invites them to do the activites they know so much about).

A conversation with a networker involves the following elements:

  • Greeting (often the networker will introduce themselves to you because they already know who you are and are seeking you out)
  • Examination: What do you do? How can you service me?
  • The Appeal: The networker reveals how you can help them
  • Self-Validation: The networker explains to you why they are so wonderful
  • Ass-kissing: This is why you are fabulous enough to warrant the attention of the networker
  • A repeat of the elements above until you either shatter your wine glass and stab the networker, or slice open your own throat.

The saddest thing about the networker is their lack of smoothness.    This is why, despite their best efforts, the networker is as fungible as the below average associate.  The only thing accomplished by the networkers efforts is having hundreds of lawyers in their city and maybe even all over the country who know they’d rather die than converse with them.


2 Responses

  1. I hate networkers. I hate being forced to going to networking events. I hate having to make small talk. I am really just there for the alcohol. But you can’t drink too much because partners and people more important than you are there. So that’s the worse thing: free alcohol BUT you can’t drink as much as you want. I live in networking hell.

  2. […] while back, Stuff BigLaw Associates Like made a post regarding networking under their People We’d Like To Cut and Cut Deep and Go To Jail For series (tee hee), but I […]

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