Wednesday Advice Column: Dear Biglaw

An oldie but a goodie...

Dear Biglaw:

Today I billed fifteen hours straight and am on track to bill 350 hours this month. I don’t socialize much with other associates and my wife is threatening to leave me, but I want to make partner. I’m currently a second year corporate associate and I normally work weekends for a big partner who is so busy he’s not usually in the office. I speak fluent Spanish because I’m Puerto Rican and I’m hoping this will add to my chances at this firm. Should I stay on track at BigLaw or should I try to slow down and actually talk to other junior associates and try to save my marriage?

-High Biller

Dear High Biller:

Do you also fuck sheep? Thinking just because you bill a bunch of hours for The Man (who doesn’t even find it worthwhile to come in and talk to you in person once in a while), all the while pissing off your colleagues (who may one day be potential clients), and losing your wife (the one person  you have the only chance of having sex with because as a biglaw associate you’re probably ugly, have bad breath, are a dork or a pompous annoying dork) that you might make partner or mean anything other than a numbered billing machine to the firm is about as rational as fucking sheep.  I’m only going to say this once: not billing enough will definitely get you canned, but billing a lot doesn’t always mean you won’t get canned.

Hate to break it to you, spanish isn’t that unique. Being a minority who speaks fluent Spanish really isnt an advantage, especially when there are rich good ol’ boys who speak rudimentary spanish they picked up from their maids that can and will easily replace you.  And the firm won’t have to deal with your pesky Puerto Rican heritage.  Of course, you could shave your head (if your hair is curly and gives you away), stay out of the sun, change the pronunciation of your name and pretend to be said white boy.   Even after all that, the only thing that will make you partner is if you make a lot of money.  And the only way you can make money is not by slaving away for  The Man or fucking sheep (both which are equally dispicable), but by rain making. But being that you probably have pissed off all your colleagues/potential clients  and you were probably that annoying gunner in the front of the class in law school that ppl gchatted about during class everytime you fucking raised your hand, I’m guessing you don’t have enough social skills or friends to go out and get clients.

So, my answer to you is:  Nope! You’re still fungible. (And quit fucking sheep. Ew.)

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4 Responses

  1. Sometimes I think fucking sheep might be a welcome break to all this fucking billing I do (or pretend to do)

  2. What the fuck are you talking about? Do you live in tennesee or something?

  3. I repeat: ew.

  4. Wait, what’s wrong with fucking sheep?

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