Blowing Money–An Introduction

Today’s post is one in a series of many about Blowing Money or BM for short.

Blowing money (or BM) is an art form, my dear colleagues. The better you get at it, the more fun it is to blow that large paycheck you got for working 70-80hours a week/ 6-7 days a week. The more you blow, the less bitter you are for the fat flaps that are beginning to appear because you now have no time to exercise and for the fact you have no significant other or your significant other is screwing the mail man because you’re never home. The more you blow, the less people are looking at your fat ass because they are looking at the shiny new things you bought with the money flying out of said fat ass.

Not only is blowing money an art form, it is a stress reliever. Because the more you blow, the less you hate your job. Who said a $40 lobster sushi roll won’t make you feel better? A $75 Ferragamo key chain? You bet!

So, lesson one:

The best way to blow money while at work is to get a dog. You can then also spend endless amounts on Fido’s well-being (READ: on dealing with your guilt about being at work all the time while your dog is at home licking its balls, or, if you are a “responsible dog owner”, licking where its balls used to be).

My dog thinks the one on the right is hot, but hates that hoe in the middle.

My dog thinks the one on the right is hot.

You can keep the AC on full blast to make Fido more comfortable even though he’s a dog and can withstand temperatures higher than humans and certain monkeys. You also open a window so he can stick his head out and smell decomposing crap outside your window. You can also buy him a bed from skymall that has both heat and cold controls.

But what if Fido gets bored? You pay for premium cable so he can watch Animal Planet and AKC dog shows. Then you pay for some sweaty chubby man or manly woman to come pick him up and take him to the doggy day care since you’re at work before they open. You blow $40/day so Fido can sniff other dog’s asses and run around and soak up 20 other dogs’ pee on his paws and fur. He’ll forget that he just spent 10 hours at the doggy day care about three minutes after you pick him up due to his short memory span. Just remember kids, the larger the dog, the more money you can blow.

Even he has time to get his hair done.

Even he has time to get his hair done.

For all you animal cruelty people, you can just suck it. I work in an office slightly larger than my dog’s crate proportionally. Yes, I get to look at the view from my 57th floor window, but only to contemplate how much it will hurt and for how long if I were to jump. Actually, to be more accurate, I more often than not contemplate how much time I will spend in federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison for throwing the stupid asskissing associate on my floor out the window. I say my dog has a better life than me.

Me in my office.  They didn't even leave me any bananas.

My office


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