Splash Back

BigLaw Associates like splash-back. Splash-back is a term of art that means when you take a pinch off a loaf so big that the toilet water splashes back up on your ass. In the privacy of your bathroom, it’s disgusting. In the context of a law firm, it’s desirable.

Splash-back in BigLaw means also involves shit, but not in the literal sense. It comes from the wave of over-hiring of junior associates and throwing them into the big toilet bowl of BigLaw. Splash back from throwing so much shit (i.e. junior associates) into the water occurs when you push down work to the little junior doodies and blame them for the shit-water that splashes back up because you delegated tasks you didn’t want to do to incompetent monkeys. These junior associates are fungible, and half of them aren’t going to be there past their second year anyway, so blame away. And you can argue that you were under pressure to give work to these young and eager newbies to keep them happy and make them some how justify their keep.*

So dump due diligence on them, drafting, scrubbing, and proof-reading documents and everything else that make your eyes bleed. Normally, you’d be the proverbial shit brick that hits the water and responsible for the crap water getting all over the deal or case and on everyone’s ass. But not anymore. Have a question about whether you might do a good job on something because it is boring as hell and you fucked it up everytime you had to do it as a junior associate because it made your brain leak out of your ears? Give it to the junior pooh and call it “training” or “mentoring.” Unsure if you should ask the client a possibly stupid question? Give it to the junior turd and call it giving them “client contact”. Afraid to ask the partner a question you know is stupid? Give it to the junior Scheisse and call it being proactive.  If you do it this way, the junior dookies will eagerly let you throw them into the toilet bowl we call practicing law. And then you can blame them for the splash-back.

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*Note: You should not feel sorry at all for the junior associate.  During the summer, the junior associates get to enjoy in the fun of creating splash back through summer associates.  When not golfing or enjoying the spa, summer associates are put through the psychological hell of researching every obscure legal dead-end with no answer that the junior associate could avoid for the last 6 months.  This leaves the summer associate psychologically fucked up–they think they’re in because they get taken out so much, but then they can’t find an answer to a “quick” research project which makes them feel like an incompetent loser.  It’s the circle of life.  Or maybe it’s just one of the circles of hell.