Stealth Layoffs

One may be surprised to learn that BigLaw associates actually like stealth layoffs–especially if they aren’t laid off–for several reasons, most of wich involve the BigLaw associates over-inflated ego and ability to survive in an alternative universe.  First, stealth layoffs allow those who are laid off to suspend reality and pretend it hasn’t really happened.  I know I was laid off, and the partners know I was laid off, but if I can just keep it a secret I can pretend that I wasn’t laid off and come to work like nothing ever happened.  Sometimes this ploy works so well that a laid off attorney sticks around past the time they’re supposed to go–so long in fact that they end up keeping their job permanently and even making partner.  

 For those that aren’t laid off, stealth layoffs provide the opportunity to expose their soon to be former colleagues and tell the world how much they suck.  The BigLaw associate will tell the world that the laid off associate should have been fired long ago, that they only got a severance out of sympathy and that they don’t understand why the firm had them around so long.  The BigLaw associate will have so much information about the quality of the laidoff associate’s work that people will think they are a partner (which is something else BigLaw associates really like).  The stealth layoff also allows the BigLaw associate to assume that everyone who leaves the firm in the next 6 months to a year was asked to leave–even if they leave to do something that pays more and requires less hours of work.   This helps to inflate the  ego of the BigLaw associate because they convince themselves that everyone left because they couldn’t handle the work or perform at the high level required.  This further convinces the Biglaw associate that they are actually going to make partner and someday be rewarded for their work.  (See supra re: living in an alternative universe. )

And lastly, stealth layoffs give biglaw associates an opportunity to engage in their favorite activity of all time: gossiping and complaining about their jobs, especially on the internet (present company included).   It’s a sick combination of schadenfreude, narcissism and masochism.

Self-Evaluations

Being the pompous self centered assholes that we are, there is nothing the biglaw associate enjoys more than the self-evaluation. Once a year (or twice a year if we’re lucky) law firms demand associates to look back on their performance and explain exactly why we deserve our soon to be deflated salaries (or, in recent times, why we deserve to have a job at all). This is quite possibly the only moment in a biglaw associates life that we exercise some form of humility–after all, we don’t want the partners to think that we think we’re better than them (although we already do). The biglaw associate must strike the delicate balance of reminding the partners that we kick ass and actually deserve to make twice as much and make partner in the near future, without letting the partner think that we feel like we’re already a partner. If a biglaw associate could write an evaluation and say what they really feel here’s our idea of what it would say:

Let’s face it, I don’t need to list out all my activities and achievements for the year because we all know the truth–I’m fucking awesome. I’m the most fucking awesome associate you have ever seen. I walk on water. I piss excellence. Just having me walk the hallowed halls of this institution makes people want to hire you. My briefs are so profound I’m submitting them for a Nobel Prize in Literature. The deals I draft and negotiate are so ground breaking they deserve to be profiled on the front page of the Wall Street Journal. The only reason everyone in the world doesn’t know my name is because I’m holding back out of the spirit of teamwork and cooperation. Which brings me to my other skills. I’m the best fucking leader, motivator and delegator to ever walk the earth. I am so effectively leveraged I earn money in my sleep. And let’s not even get started on my business development skills because that would just be arrogant. But since you want to know, let’s just say that the CEO and GC of every Fortune 500 company has me on speed dial. When there’s bet the business litigation or an earth shattering merger I’m the first name that comes to mind. In a nutshell, you’re lucky I allow you to employ me and pay me so little. But I do it out of respect for the team and for this esteemed institution. Hopefully I w, i will grace you with my presence for another year. You’re welcome.

BigLaw Associates Like Blowing Money….Still

I know all of you guys are pretty scared right now about your jobs but let’s not forget that we are BigLaw associates because we like to blow money big time. It’s funny because in light of the market and all the waves of lay offs, you people should be saving saving saving. But, almost as if in a willful self-destruction, you guys are spending spending spending. Is it to make yourselves feel better about having a crappy job that will eventually kick you to the curb in some shape or another (either by lay off or degenerating your mind and body into a billing slave?)? It can’t possibly be that you’re in denial, not after the NY Times did an article on White & Case basically saying that the old BigLaw firm structure is dead. So what is it?

Is it that you don’t have any self control?

You don’t understand that ordering $15 martinis is not economically savvy?

You don’t understand that a designer dress on sale for $400 is still spending $400 too much?

Or is it that that’s all we know as BigLaw associates? We conform even in our habits.

Sad.

BigLaw Associates Don’t Give a Shit About Law Students

Today, we’d like to change gears a little bit and ask you guys what you like. Above The Law has degenerated into a forum of mud flinging against law firms (which we here at Stuff Big Law Associates Like wholeheartedly praise) but also babble about law students cleaning up after themselves in the cafeteria. We BigLaw Associates can’t possibly give a shit about law students. yeah, yeah, yeah, we were law students once, but we’re not anymore and we don’t give a shit about mentoring law students or even if they get their summer associate offer. We pretend to care so we can use your free Westlaw password, but we really don’t care.

We don’t care if you have student loans or if you don’t. We don’t care if you want more out of BigLaw than you got as a summer associate. We really don’t care what your dreams and hopes are. And we certainly don’t give a shit if you are told to clean up after yourselves. We BigLaw associates don’t clean up after ourselves. We have custodians at the firm, maids at home, and wives in the bedroom to do all that shit. I don’t ever clean up after myself or even clean myself for that matter.

Seriously, some one needs to tell Above The Law that they really should only report on the shit we BigLaw Associates Like.

PWLTCD: Koolaid drinking dumbasses

Today, let’s talk about people we’d like to cut and cut deep and go to jail for (PWLTCD). And, tada!, it’s koolaid drinking dumbasses. You know who you are. Can you really say that your gigantic firm that cannot spoon you at night or hold your hair back while you vomit from drinking too much to run away from your problems isn’t hurting, at least a little bit, in this economy. Fuck, even China is hurting. It’s only at a positive 6.5% GDP and has riots in its streets.

Stop sticking up for your firm like the stupid fat kid who can’t make friends on his own mainly because he hits and bites people. Your firm is hurting. Our firm is hurting. Quit spitting out the rawhide that they made you chew and say stupid statements like:

“We’re doing fine in this market. Other firms are hurting, but we had a good business structure.” Bullshit. How many corporate attorneys are doing document review? And if your answer is none, maybe your litigation department sucks.

“We had some lay offs but they were all performance based.” Really? If you are that stupid to believe that, then I doubt your “performance” is up to par so why the hell are you still there?

“We’re still growing.” The only thing growing is the brown stain on your mouth from all the bullshit you are eating. Nobody is growing in this market. No BigLaw firms are growing in their US offices, especially with the ridiculous $160K first year salaries and the blown up billing rates that price them not only out of the current market but also outside of reality. They might poach a few good candidates here and there, but they are also dumping a bunch of monkeys out the other side so if they are adding less than they are subtracting, they can’t be growing….

You guys are idiots. Why don’t you just face the reality. Your ass is on the line. Your firm doesn’t love you. And your friends don’t really like you. So instead of drinking the koolaid, why don’t you just drink? In the famous words of Homer Simpson: Alcohol, the source of and solution to all of life’s problems.

We here at Stuff Big Law Associates Like want to cut you and cut you deep and go to jail for it.

BigLaw Associates Like Being Greedy

We’re greedy. We know it. We have a board dedicated to our greed. We’re greedy about how much we make and our bonuses. But, we should also be greedy about our severances.

While we here at Stuff BigLaw Associates Like are still employed (for now), we are definitely thinking ahead about our severances, god willing we don’t get there though.

But we spent 3+ years studying the law in addition to the mandatory 4+ years of undergrad. That’s 7 years before we even get to the first rung of the ladder and that’s not including the grueling studying for the bar exam, taking the damn thing, and waiting for results (if I have to fill out another character and fitness application asking me everywhere I’ve lived since I was 16, I will go guerilla on someone’s ass) to just be shown the door because some idiot(s) couldn’t manage their business well enough to know how many peope to hire or how to keep client business to make sure the people they hire have enough work.

It’s not our fault for the lack of work or low billables. It’s yours. It’s yours and I hope you know this as you hand us our pink slips so that you can keep up your overindulgent lifestyle because we know it. Don’t hide behind stealth lay offs (and kudos to the BigLaw firms that have admitted to lay offs) or performance based lay offs. Law is not that difficult. If you want to work and want to learn, you should be able to perform competently. It’s the market. It’s the fact that our fearless firm leaders are bad business people and got too arrogant of their own success that they thought they were untouchable. 

We here at Stuff Big Law Associates Like feel the worse for those whom BigLaw firms hired who had offers from other places that are more stable (and less arrogant) but turned down the other offers for BigLaw only to find their overqualified butts on the street. Yes, they were probably being greedy and distracted by the glitter of BigLaw that was stuffed down our throats like most little monkeys are but as we all know, not everything that glitters is gold. Soemtimes it’s shit straight from a bull’s ass.

Don’t believe it when they tell you it’s performance based and try to screw you on your severance. Be greedy.  We became lawyers because we’ were potentially greedy. BigLaw chose us because the potential in us they saw just like Anakin. They trained us well in the ways of greed. So be greedy when it comes to your severance. Don’t leave with your tail between your legs.

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Let’s All Play Biggest Loser, BigLaw Edition

New York Lawyer
March 25, 2009
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By The Snark
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ATLANTA – Who will be next? And what determines who gets to remain an over-paid associate and who must go forth into the scary world without the protections and comforts of BigLaw? Skill? Good looks? Seniority? Connections? Random luck? Hmm.

Unfortunately luck plays a huge role in the process—making us all feel powerless to the whims of fate and leading to an environment of paranoia. Is there a way to avoid this?

Freak out!

Many of us who have not yet received our pink slips from BigLaw are freaking out. Our hands shake as we try to right-click our mice. Beads of sweat accumulate as we pass partners in the halls. We carry loads of papers home at night to appear busy and valuable. If we weren’t afraid to use the computer for anything other than billable work, our status updates on Facebook would read “Associate is compulsively checking e-mail for news of his fate.”

We fear that any second we will get a knock at the door, a tap on the shoulder or a mass e-mail giving us the news that we too must pack up our custom-framed diplomas, inspirational paper weights and ferns and get out of Big Law Land because the carnival ride is over …

But why? Shouldn’t we feel confident that BigLaw has set itself straight by now? Rid itself of all the dead-weight, low-performing, excess associates in order to spare those of us with a bright future? Nope. Those of us who remain are not yet running out to purchase our “I Survived the Purge” T-shirts.

Well, I shouldn’t say that. I am sure some associates are feeling that way, telling themselves that their continued employment is a sign of their superiority to those who were fired and that life is great because now the competition for partner has been significantly reduced!

Lucky duck

If you are one of thoseassociates, it is time to wake up to the reality that at least 60 percent of the reason you have survived as long as you have in the BigLaw machine is attributable to nothing but pure, dumb luck. I know—luck is not as sexy as crediting your skill, wit or brown-nosing abilities.

But luck plays a roll from the earliest phases of the BigLaw journey, beginning with whether or not the random Big Law representatives sent to conduct your on-campus interview share your fondness for acid jazz. Luck continues to intervene at every stage.

• Will you work primarily for a partner who seeks to cultivate your career or the one who seeks to boost his own by throwing you under the bus?

• Will the privilege document you accidentally produced go undetected because the case settles, or will you be the poster child for over-paid, inexperienced associates making case-losing errors when that document is used to sink your firm’s biggest client in a high-stakes lawsuit?

Sure, skill plays a role. But all things being equal, luck determines whether you sink or swim in Big Law.

Those poor associates who randomly selected to pursue a career in something like, oh say, real estate finance, probably chose that path before they even had a clue what it entailed. They could not be expected to predict the future job security implications of such a path. And now they are being laid off in droves.

But the layoffs are not confined to those poor associates who selected, or were chosen, to practice in certain areas. It is widespread and somewhat random. Which makes most of us paranoid. … “Aaahh Freak out! Le Freak, C’est Chic!”

Associate Ax 2009

Maybe some of this rampant paranoia and fear could be quelled if we felt we had some control of our fate? Maybe we should combine BigLaw’s need to trim the ranks with an exercise that would give employees back some sense of control of their own destiny?

I say we institute some reality television mechanisms for reducing the number of people on the island. Let’s reduce the role of luck in the process with some old-fashioned challenges to see who stays and who goes.

Work is slow, and no one can get anything done because they are obsessing over the potential loss of employment. So rather than prolong the pain and anxiety, there should be one 24-hour marathon Associate Ax.

Associate Ax should test a variety of skills essential to BigLaw survival such as legal skill, work ethic, over-confidence and, of course, popularity (in reverse order of importance).

Popularity should be used as a first-level filter—all associates and partners should text or call 1-(800)-ASS-4567 to vote for their favorite associates — as many as they want as often as they want to vote — for the first two hours of Associate Ax 2009. This initial vote will cull a significant number of nameless and forgettable associates who are destined to be weeded out of BigLaw regardless of the economy.

Harsh? Not as harsh as telling them they are being fired for some reason other than their lack of popularity. These associates were headed for the door eventually anyway—at least this way they get out and start finding new paths before incurring more debt by relying on a job that was never going to last.

This popularity vote can also evaluate over-confidence by monitoring the number of people who vote for themselves. They must be retained. It may seem unfair to reward such behavior, but self-love and over-confidence are essential for future success at BigLaw. If you are not willing to frequently praise yourself and demonstrate blatant over-confidence in your own worth, you can’t expect to survive long in BigLaw Land.

Finally, for those who still remain, the last 22 hours must test legal skill and work ethic through a marathon document review. This will help weed out those associates who have been surviving on self-confidence and popularity alone.

All associates will be placed in front of a computer loaded with millions of pages of client documents. Partners will yell at them and demand to know why they haven’t finished and why they can’t keep the issues straight. The associates’ blood pressure and heart rate as well as review pace will be carefully monitored. Anyone who falls asleep or requires food is out.

At the end of 20 straight hours of staring at a computer screen, reading tiny fonts and getting reamed by partners, the associates will be given the final test — who found the one privileged document out of the 10,000 documents reviewed? Those who find it stay and everyone else goes.

Oh well, maybe it is impossible to remove paranoia and luck from the equation. Good luck!

Homogeny

...replace the ruler with a symbol of the law, and the army with a law firm recruiter, and this image accurately represents the biglaw experience.

Yes, BigLaw Associates like homogeny. It’s not so much that WE like it, but the procrustean man likes it. While we’re all freaking out about losing our jobs (but for some reason we the authors still have jobs and still have time to post on this blog–life is unfair. suck it) let’s examine the BigLaw structure.

Not that I know anything about philosophy except that I throw it out there to impress the girls (but let’s be honest, as soon as I say I’m a BigLaw lawyer and I make X amount of money with SIX digits, I don’t need to say much else), but let’s take a look at Nietzsche and his Ennoblement through degeneration passage in Human All Too Human.

“History teaches that the best preserved tribe among a people is the one in which most men have a living communal sense as a consequence of sharing their customary and indisputable principles….The danger to these strong communities founded on homogeneous individuals who have character is growing stupidity, which is graduatlly increased by heredity, and which, in an case, collows all stability like a shadow. It is the individuals who have fewer ties and are mjuch more uncertain and morall weaker upon whom spriritual progress depends in such communities, they are the men who make new and manifold experiements. Innumerable men of this sort perish because of their weaknes without any very visible effect, but in general, especially if they have descendents, they loosen up and from time to time inflict a would on the stable element of the community….those who degenerate are of the highest importance whereve progress is to take place; every great progress must be preceded by a partial weakining. The strongest natures hold fast to the type; the weaker ones help to develop it further.”

Ok, I know your natural response to this is:

1. If you’re a woman, you want to jump my rich and philosophical bones and
2. what the hell are you talking about.

You see, the Man is the homogenous community. The old white fat men who hire young soon to be fat white men, or the sons of clients, or the ones who gufaw and golf even if they aren’t the smartest or the most progressive. law firms are, as we all know, risk averse, but this risk averse has made them incestual where they hire only their “own kind” and like Brittish royalty that used to marry sisters to brothers or first cousins or uncles and nieces to keep it in the family, the product has been a bunch of intellectually hunchbacked six fingered men (seriously, whenever I think of six fingers, I have to think of Christopher Guest in Princess Bride and then that makes me think of This is Spinal Tap and that makes me think of a an amp that goes to eleven and then I giggle apparently for no reason and my office mate thinks I do drugs, which I might do but drugs have nothing to do with my giggling in said siutation). So, now, back to Nietzsche.

The structure of BigLaw has been to hire the same old damn people that look like the same old damn people in charge. As as Nietzsche said, homogeny breeds stupidity (and six fingered people (insert giggle)) because in this world where the whole damn world is suffering from this economic crisis, we need to think outside the box. If law firms are going to survive, they are going to have to hire the weird black girl with a fro, or the (gasp) non-nerdy outspoken Asian girl, or the white guy who likes other guys if they have the law degree/grades to back it up. you can’t keep hiring the same second tier b.s. attorneys who tuck in their polo shirts into their khakis even on a saturday night. Got it?

Homogeny breeds stupidity. And that takes us to the state of BigLaw.

So if you find yourself one of the “weaker” ones that got the axe, well, you fought the good fight because changes were needed. And Nietzsche meant “weak” in the sense that you are outliers without a mob army to follow you, not that you are weak in the plain meaning of the word (yes, shut up, I am a corporate attorney, that had to be thrown in there).

Now, monkeys, hump other monkeys outside of your circle and diversify your genetic code and fuck the Man while you’re at it. Being different is a good thing, even if law firm don’t recognize it yet.

Shameless Self-Promotion

Given the fact that we’re writing this blog, this post is definitely a situation of the proverbial pot calling the kettle black…or at least of the pot acknowledging that both it and the kettle are black. Either way, we feel it is a good time to talk about a Biglaw Associate’s favorite thing–self-promotion. We read a lot of blogs, both for content and because we’ll be laid off soon and have given up on billing hours (why oh why did we work so hard the last quarter of 2008 only to be betrayed this way???). There is one common thread amongst the commentors–they LOVE to talk about how they are better than the author of the blog and the other commentors on the blog (that they are reading and commenting on), and they also LOVE to regurgitate details of their resume in the posts. They either believe that their resume is a reason for their superiority, or they’re just jackasses who need to talk about themselves whenever possible. Both the former and the later can be true.

How did this love of self begin? Many blame the moxy of Generation Y (or whatever the hell they’re calling junior associates these days) on 80’s and 90’s style parenting that encouraged every child to believe they are special and that their shit is golden. We however think that the Biglaw’s self promotion stems from a situation that is exactly the opposite–somewhere in childhood they were told they weren’t good enough and now they must spend every waking moment proving to the world (even anonymously through blog comments) that they are good enough. The Biglaw associate is the kid who looked forward to those mandatory guidance counselor sessions in high school, not because they needed guidance, but because they needed an adult to give a shit about what they had to say. And then, just like now, usually that adult doesn’t really give a shit, they’re just paid to pretend. High school self-promotion reached it’s penacle at the moment which many a student dreads but which the Biglaw associate adored–the personal statement. Ask any Biglaw associate and they will tell you that they are so fucking awesome that it took them weeks to edit down their personal statement. How could their bounty be contained in a mere few pages of double spaced text?

How college played out for the typical Biglaw associate largely depends on what type of school they went to, and if they were able to fit into some fringe group on campus that would recognize their awesomeness. In college many Biglaw associates were in student government, did volunteer work that somehow got them noteriety, or they were emo slackers who nobody understood. Eventually they saw an opportunity to promote themselves once again without much work. Unlike Med School, which requires interviews, actual knowledge of something useful, and that you think about it in advance and take prerequisites, law school only requires the LSAT, an essay, and a GPA. And in the recent past there was also a potential future of a job with a big salary and “perks” that the future biglaw associate could brag about at reunions.

The economic woes of our recent past has left the self-loving Biglaw associate with limited options. If the biglaw associate hasn’t been fired yet, they can’t really brag about their job because everyone just assumes they’ll be fired next week so that their firm doesn’t have to share headlines with Pilsbury or Latham. So both the fired and the un-fired Biglaw associate are left with one venue…the legal blog. The fired associate can talk about how awesome they are and how their firm is now TTT since they won’t be there anymore. The still employed associate can say the fired associate was never cut out for the BigLaw in the first place and that’s why they were fired. Everybody can be happy because the blog gives them the opportunity to anonymously promote themselves and saves them the embarassment/ridicule of doing it publicly.

…Wait a minute…did we self-promoting biglaw associates just write an entire blog about self-promotion that actually promotes our blog? See! The behavior cannot be unlearned.

We just can't seem to get past the passion for your work and taking the initiative parts...

BigLaw Associates Like Goodbye Emails

Why They Really Laid Your Ass Off

BigLaw Associates like Goodbye emails. In light of the current economy, we here at Stuff BigLaw Associates Like, have been drafting goodbye emails in anticipation of being laid off (or, for those who have already been laid off, feel free to use our emails):

Dear [Random Ass BigLaw Firm]:

After [x] years at the Firm, I have finally faced the truth: law students are just a bunch of socially awkward pompous students and BigLaw lawyers are just a big fat bunch of socially awkward pompous assholes and when I couldn’t stand the former, I should have know the latter was even more unbearable. While I would like to stay at the Firm just purely for comedic purposes hearing about which junior associate slept with which senior partner who is already on his third wife or the stories about the attorney employment director who is sleeping with a senior partner or the hundreds of racial slurs that at which even the unreconstructed South would be impressed, I have to return to Earth and real society filled with real people and not just a bunch of walking archetypal discontent malcontent bastards right out of a B movie where the screenwriter lacked creativity. So, hasta luego suckers (but I don’t really want to see you later.)

Dear [Random Ass BigLaw Firm]:

I came to this Firm thinking that it I had the opportunity of a life time. I, however, cannot in good conscience thank the firm for such “opportunity” as I’m shoved out the door. The firm is filled wih disloyal backstabbers (before BigLaw, I thought that might have been a redundant description but you have taken both disloyalty and backstabbing to a higher art form that respect must be paid to both), shit talkers, and women who are only rebels from the waist down like they were straight out of the novel 1984. I learned nothing at this firm except that in the toilet of BigLaw, shit floats to the top when gold sinks to the bottom. I hope everyone achieves their goal of being the best BigLaw associate they can be: i.e. padding your hours with no ethical remorse; stealing work from your fellow coworkers; feeling up the summer associates; and just being general incompetent a-holes.

Dear [Random Ass BigLaw Firm]:

I have decided to leave this job to save my soul. When I started at [random ass firm], I was an atheist but after [x] years here, I believe there is a Hell as I reported to said Hell 6 days a week for 70-80 hours a week, billing my time in said Hell in 6 minute increments. I used to think that if there was a Hell, there must be a God but after working here, I think God has abandoned us. Like the albatross around the Mariner’s neck, so hung the stench of the unethical b.s. and incompetence around this Firm. No amount of xanax and alcohol will allow me to overcome the trauma of working at this Firm.

Dear [Random Ass BigLaw Firm]:

Fuck you.

The Man

 

Why do BigLaw Associates like The Man?  Why drink the koolaid? Why believe The Man when he tells you you have nothing to worry about in this market? The Man doesn’t give a shit about you, why else do you think they give you a 6 figure number to keep track of your billing, when you come and go, what documents you create or check out, etc.? What is this fucking unbased devotion to The Man you monkeys have? Do you even know who The Man is?

No, you don’t.

You think it’s the managing partner of the Firm? that fucker was so good at playing politics that he was elected but that also means he doesn’t have the balls to piss anyone off beause he knows once he does, there will be a coup and he will be toppled faster than we pulled down the statue of Saddam  Hussein in Fardus Square.

Do you think The Man is the partner that you work for and gave you great reviews? Fuck no.

When shit hits the fan, nobody’s going to stick their neck out for you because even the partners, especially in this market, are afraid shitless that they will also get the boot (e.g. Cadwalader’s coup) or will be deequitized. Or these partners have had affairs or some other sort of drama/scandal that they are no longer respected by their peers and just want to fly below the radar.

You see, nobody knows who The Man is.

Nobody knows who makes the calls, which partners will roll over and not speak up when their favorite associate gets put on the chopping block, nobody knows who even puts the associates on the chopping block. It might even be that fucking whore in attorney employment who isn’t even a lawyer but has her nose in everybody’s fucking business.

So, quit loving the Man. You don’t even know who he or she is. But one thing is certain, The  Man will fuck you over no matter how many times whored yourself out to him.

So, get off your knees and get some respect.

Blame

The only thing a biglaw associate enjoys more than taking credit for another associate’s work is blame.  Biglaw associates like blame so much that they will seek out an opportunity to blame someone else when they aren’t even being accused of doing anything wrong.  The most saavy biglaw associate will anticipate a crisis and immediately find a way to blame someone or something else.  There’s also the advance blame maneuver which can be used to soften the blow of the biglaw associate’s overwhelming incompetence.  Of course there is no self-respecting biglaw associate who will assume blame.  To do so shows the partners that you do not deserve to be a biglaw associate and may get you laid off.  This is because the partner got to be partner by being a superior blame artist.

As with anything involving biglaw associates, the blame game is quite intricate.  There are hierarchies, rules, exceptions, hybridizations and contingency plans.

The first line of defense is of course to blame someone outside of their firm, and if possible, to blame an inanimate object.  Common targets of this rule are court clerks, opposing counsel, electronic equipment, and software (e.g. Word didn’t save properly or the PDF didn’t image those signatures).  If an associate is female and a firm actually cares the biglaw associate will utilize any number of working mother defenses.  Examples include sick child, nanny problems, and “my baby ate my homework.”  The best thing about the working mother defenses is that they can also be used not-so-back-handedly to elicit some praise.  So, one might receive the email at 2 a.m. from the working mother who cranked out the drafts after she put the kids to bed, which elicits resounding praise from the partners about said associates work-ethic.  Of course this ignores the fact that the fathers and female associates without children were also working until 2 a.m. without a break to bathe the kids or eat dinner with the family.

The next line of defense is the “shit rolls downhill” defense.  Like all things involving shit this one gets very messy.  The biglaw associate will blame a classmate, junior associate, paralegal, secretary, reprographics, the mail room, the receptionist, custodian…anybody with a pulse.  When done well this move can get people fired.  This move works best when the associate can give the firm an excuse to get rid of someone they never liked in the first place, e.g. a minority, working mother, or homosexual.

And of course, the absolute last line of defense is the blame the superior defense.  This is more of a Kandinsky-esque, throw paint at the wall and hope some of it sticks and you can sell it as art move.  It takes great skill to pull the move off, and often it fails.  The move works best when a junior associate can blame a senior associate (especially one about to go up for partner in this economy), but it can also work when there are known partner fueds.  Here are some examples:

• Partner X, let’s call her the Baren Barrister,  is a feminist who gave up everything in her life to make partner in the 80s and not only hates male partners but also junior female partners who have “work-life balance.”  Biglaw associate fucks up project for  Baren Barrister, but Partner Y, let’s call her Female Partner (because she’s the poster child for female partnership as long as those clients would like to see one), was supposed to review the project before it went to Baren Barrister.   The associate sees an opportunity to deflect and says, “sorry we missed that.  Female Partner was going to handle it, but her kids had a soccer game.  I don’t know how she does it all.”  This move is known as the reverse working mother–it only works with partners because if used on a fellow associate it just makes you look like a chauvanist or a future Baren Barrister.
• Senior associate’s practice group has been hurting since the economy took a nose dive, so he’s diversifying into new practice areas.  Most of the partners who supported senior associate for partnership have left and he’s also trying to rebuild his reputation.  Junior associate has always worked in this area and made a very obvious mistake on a project in which senior associate was involved.  When partner calls junior associate on the problem, junior associate explains how difficult is to have to explain something to someone so senior–junior associate knows that he understands the project better, but he doesn’t want to disrespect senior associate.  Senior associate’s work suddenly dries up–but that was going to happen anyway because nobody’s making partner anytime soon.  Outside of confirming that junior associate is an asshole, not much is accomplished by this one. Of course if senior associate is a golden boy (and by golden boy we mean Aryan.  You know how firms love the Aryan boys.  They have to fill their white boy quota), this can backfire horribly.  It works best if junior associate is also a golden boy with the credentials to trump senior associate (e.g. father who is a partner at a competing firm; relative who is CEO of a company and client of the firm, etc…).

Given all the blame going around these days how does one avoid becoming the target?  Well the best defense is a good offense.  Go back to your desk right now and start thinking of scenarioes that allow you to throw a co-worker under the bus.  And as a closing note, when you’re going to throw a co-worker under the bus, it’s a great style move to say “I’m not trying to throw anybody under the bus or anything….”  The partner will know you’re throwing them under the bus, but it will alert them that they are supposed to supsend reality and believe your lie.

Dear Biglaw: am I safe?

We haven’t done an advice column in a while, but the recent economic developments have generated a few gems worth responding to.  Here’s our favorite:

Dear Biglaw:

Should I be worried about my job?  i got the best evaluation I’ve ever had in my life.  It was truly fucking awesome.   I’m on cloud 9 and think I really have a future at this place.  I feel like I’ve really found my calling.   There was not one negative comment.  Do you think I’m safe?

–Asswipe

Dear Asswipe:

Were there actually any details in your awesome evaluation?  Were you compared to your peers and told where you stand in the crowd of those left?  Were you given any targets for the next year or the next 6 months?  Did you get work from any new sources following your “fucking awesome” evaluation?  Are you billing 200+ hours a month?  Has anyone else in your class or section been fired recently?  I’m going to assume the answer to all these questions is no.  So guess what asswipe: what you’re in right now is law firm purgatory…not enough of a kiss ass to definitely keep, not competent or threatening enough to fire and too stupid to know the difference.   Given your stupidity, you could also just be really cheap labor and maybe it was easier to fire 100 secretaries and just have you take over answering the phones and printing documents for dinosaur partners.  

So you’re left with a couple of options: (1) make the full transition from a self-absorbed asswipe to a full fledged asshole and drink a hell of a lot more kool-aid (so far you’re only drinking your own,  not your law firm’s), which still won’t gaurantee your job; or (2) start seeing your career for what it really is–a big stinking pile of law firm bullshit.  I’m sure your mommy told you you were special, but guess what–she lied.  You’re fungible just like everybody else.

Don’t Settle!

A biglaw associate that hasn't been laid off

BigLaw Associates like to acquiese. We like to settle. We’re like those couples that you see that live together and are boring and bored of each other. They’ve been with each other for a year or two, they might have moved in with each other to save on rent, and are now in a cycle. They both deep down inside know that there is no spark, that the other isn’t who they want to spend the rest of their lives with but there is free sex, free somewhat regular sex, and someone to watch television with and eat microwave dinner or chinese take out with. There’s no reason to break up, pack up all your shit, shell out money on movers, deposits, and first and last month’s rent. Fuck, you might even marry this person. And have a fat baby. And spend your Saturday’s at Bed Bath & Beyond and Home Depot (if either are still around after this recession). You might then day dream about that hot chick in the coffee shop while you are stuffing your face with 1000 calorie doughnuts. You might day dream about having married a rich man who would whisk you away to some random ass tropical island. and through it all, you spent the better part of your time cutting coupons you never used or could find when you just happened to need to buy that item. But then you die of a series of small heart attacks. Not one is significant so not even your death will be tragic or memorable.

However, if the other person in the relationship cheats on you. Well, that’s the catalyst to action. You break up, maybe throw a few things, craddle your ego, shit talk the other person to all your friends, maybe do some libel as well on a blog (like this one–feel free to comment here!), and move your shit out. You’re lonely for six months, you’re edgy because you haven’t had sex in a while, and maybe you’ve gained a bit of weight and more hair than you should have on places that’s not your head. But then eventually, let’s hope, you pick yourself up, realize the other person was a boring sack of shit, and that you’re glad you’re out. Maybe you’ve found someone else (probably not if you’re a lawyer because you’re probably unattractive and short) that makes you more happy than you ever thought possible.

And such is the way with BigLaw. You are a midlevel bored out of your mind but you’ve gotta be crazy to leave a job that pays six figures when you don’t even know what else you would do with your life. You’ve been a monkey for so long, cranking out sheets of paper with little black words on them, meticulously measuring the margins of your pleadings, having no sex life or a really bad one, getting fat and miserable that you don’t even know what will make you happy. You’ve gotta be crazy to leave a cushy job when the average family of three makes $45,000 and you started at $160,000. But before you know it, you’re a seventh or eighth year. You’re fat. You’ve started guffawing because that’s what all the old white men do around you. You no longer think it is unethical to pad hours. You no longer think it is unethical to steal supplies even though you make a bizillion bucks. If you’re a minority, you’re confused as to why you aren’t the same color as all the white people because you feel white inside. But then you get fired for not making partner and you wonder where your youth went and your individuality and identity. And then you too, die of a series of small heart attacks on a pile of paper at 4pm on a Tuesday afternoon.

Or you make partner and find yourself laid off or de-equitized after your second divorce resulting from the fact that you are always at work or at networking events and never at home with your wife/husband and kids/dogs/pet gold fish. Or you find yourself close to retirement after screwing over countless associates and married to your homely looking third wife (when your second wife left you for your brother who “followed his dreams” and actually has time for her)  instead of a trophy wife in hopes that she will stick around to wipe the drool from your mouth after you suffer a heart attack or stroke from being an overweight stressed out fat bastard from neglecting your health for the sake of your “career”. Good job. Pat yourself on the back. That was a life well lived.

However, if the other person in the relationship cheats on you, and in this case, it would be BigLaw laying your ass off, that is the catalyst to action. You are forced to find something that actually, *gasp* makes you happy! you are allowed to take a year off and travel and learn portuguese because brazilian women are hot. Even if you go back to law after that year, it’s like a year you were able to relax and be happy. Yes, there are bills to pay but nobody but people who are still employed are paying their bills and guess what? you’re not employed! fuck your credit score. You and Madoff’s mom have shitty credit scores. Yeah, it will suck not having money but you’ve got that severance package and it’s time to re-establish your love with rice-a-roni and ramen and msg. Go ahead, throw things, cradle your hurt ego, and talk shit about your law firm on a blog (like this one–feel free to comment here!). But you’ll soon realize that it might have been the best thing for you. Not all of us were meant to be monkeys or tools. Not all of us, just because we’re smart and did well in law school, are meant to ignore parts of ourselves and waste our talent checking for commas and getting yelled at by short men with large heads. Hopefully soon you will find something else that will make you more happy than you ever thought possible.

Until then, screw the man!

Cloning

Biglaw associates like cloning.  And we don’t mean the Dolly the sheep variety.  We mean biglaw associates love to pick an attorney they respect or aspire to be and mimic every aspect of their life.  Here are some examples:

• Biglaw partner treats senior associate like the shithead without a future that he is.   Biglaw partner also only eats food covered with the finest white truffles from Italy.  Biglaw senior associate is allergic to truffles.   However, he spends every extra dollar buying white truffle oil and drenching all of his food (and sometimes his body) in it.  He goes into anaphalactic shock on a daily basis just to be like Biglaw partner.  Biglaw senior associate also rolls the shit downhill and uses Biglaw partners favorite phrases to yell at junior associates. 
• Biglaw partner has the “lawyer bob–” you know, the haircut that every female attorney on the planet currently has (or had) in hopes that men would take them seriously and not view them as sex objects.  Biglaw associate’s natural hair is a jew fro resembling Bob Ross (you know, the guy that paints on PBS and has a pet squirrel).  Biglaw associate endures hours of Japanese hair straigtening and razor hair cutting just to resemble biglaw partner’s look.  Biglaw associate looks like a jackass.
• Biglaw partner drives and S class.  Biglaw associate can’t afford an S class, but he finds out who the partner’s dealer is and gets the exact custom color in the C class he can actually afford.  Biglaw associate still gets fired on Bloody Thursday.  Maybe he can sleep in his car.
• Biglaw partner lives on Elm Street.  Biglaw associate can’t really afford Elm street, but he finds the cheapest smallest house on the block just to be closer to Biglaw partner.
• Biglaw associate is gay, but biglaw partner is married with 2 kids, and pays for blow jobs at strip club.  Even though biglaw associates thinks women are gross, he goes with biglaw partner to said strip clubs and allows himself to  be subjected to stripper jaw.  Biglaw associate also marries some poor unsuspecting girl who he forces to strap on and wear a fake beard.

We could go on, but we think you get the point.  The Biglaw associate obsession with cloning just certifies that the average biglaw asssociate hasn’t had an original thought since they chose to wear the pocket protector that got them the swirly in middle school.  Since that pivotol moment they have been mimicking–and just falling short–of the cool kids.  And when that failed they mimicked the smart kids.  And when that failed they went to law school.

Speculation

BigLaw Associates love to speculate. We speculate on everything, mainly because we like to hear the sound of our oh-so-sexy voice. We speculate on everything, like how fast it will be to get that chick into bed. Or what color her panties are. Or, an even more impossible thing for us to actually know anything about besides women, is the state of the economy. We like to say sentences that include words like “sector” “movement” “cycle”. Let me demonstrate: “there is alot of movement and activity in that sector that I think the market will be in an upswing by [insert random ass date] that they can’t possibly lay all of us because they’ll need us when the market picks back up. It’s just a cycle and we’ll be back up soon.” Bullshit. You assholes don’t know what you’re talking about. They will lay your ass off now and then worry about it later, why? Because partners need to make their  yacht payments NOW and then worry about your stupid asses and the deals or cases that may or may not come later. What’s the point on having some piddly associate employed when you can’t buy your wife the second beamer before she leaves your ass for her cosmetic surgeon? What’s wrong with you? this is simple logic. Love thyself, screw thy little peons.

You think probono hours are going to save your stupid ass? Yeah, what? your firm credits you 150 or 200 hours of probono work a year and then what? You think they actually give a shit about how many battered women you get protection orders for when they can’t make the payment on their new swimming pool that they now just have a huge hole in their back yard and a bunch of pissed of contractors who want to get paid?

Yes, we BigLaw Associates like to speculate, but this time, we really like to lie to ourselves. Even when on Black Thursday there were 700-800 fallen soldiers, we still think we’re golden. Watch your back. Get a plan B. And don’t expect Mr. Partner to give a goddamn about you or your livelihood.

PWLTCD: The IT Guy

Again, what is Stuff BigLaw Associates Like if it doesn’t have another installment of PWLTCD. That is, people we’d like to cut and cut deep and go to jail for.

The IT guy. Wait, not all IT guys. Just the IT guys at the help desk you have to call after hours because everyone else has gone home but you are doing hours of due diligence or trying to turn a document all by yourself because your firm has fired all the juniors who would type in your chicken scratches into the document.

IT guy, you know which one of you I’m calling out. Yes, I know you had a hard 2 years in associate school or you actually went to undergrad and even back then, you had your phone clipped to the outside of your  jeans on your braided leather belt while you sported any style using the L.A. Looks Gel or mousse (seriously, who uses GEL anymore?) thinking you were fly like Fresh Prince.

I know you are sick and tired of moron partners asking you why all the letters type in all caps all of a sudden. Yes, it’s annoying when you’re faced with true stupidity. But when I call you’re stupid ass up about some REAL question about the outdated version of word we use (that YOU installed) or how damn slow our server is and it keeps giving me weird error messages and BEEPING AT ME (goddamn the beeping! the damn computer still beeps even with the volume muted), I don’t want you to give me attitude while I hear you fucking flipping through the manual. I don’t want you to sit there and read to me shit you don’t already know AND give me some pompous attitude. You should be glad we’re separated by phone line and I haven’t invented a way to cut you electronically. Don’t give me the verbal finger in the face when I tell you I’m having a problem you don’t know how to fix or I tell you my computer is giving me an error message you can’t even decipher. Just say you don’t goddamn know. Don’t SIGH before every sentence you begin, you pompous jerk and act like I’m the stupid one in this conversation.

And don’t tell me to drop the attitude when you give me shit. I’m an A-TTOR-NEY. I get paid to give people attitude and you’re pissing me off. I’m tired of you telling me to just restart the computer and “see what happens.” I hate it when  you log onto my computer remotely and I have to watch you stupidly move my mouse cursor around because you don’t know what you’re doing either. I don’t need TWO people sitting here not knowing what they are doing. I got shit to do! If I ever find out where your remote location is (since my firm fired our inhouse help technicians to “save money” while they continue to interview laterals–MOTHER FUCKER. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??), I will cut you. I will break your mouse and cut you with the plastic edges. I will cut you deep and I will go to jail for it.

@#$#$^$@!#!@#$%^$^!! ERROR 404!

BigLaw Associates Like Smoke

They like this kind of smoke too...

BigLaw Associates Like Smoke and little catch phrases to recite very loudly to unsuspecting women, men hitting on the hot girl we want to hit on, and our “colleagues” whom we don’t respect because we just want to get ahead. We are lawyers. Hear us roar. We wear fancy wool suits and leave the last button on our sleeve unbuttoned so everyone knows it was a custom tailor made suit. We wear ferragamo shoes and smart leather accessories made from unsuspecting baby bovines to give it that soft sheen (hey, we are nothing if not label whores). We look like we’re hot shots. We look like we’re sexy and glamorous (even if the guys are a bit short). But we really are the wizard in the Wizard of Oz. Some poor fool born in Kansas with a lot of smoke up his ass.

Let me explain.

When you meet a lawyer, especially a junior one (years 1-4, yes FOUR, you still don’t know shit as a fourth year and are just another undeserving midlevel) and he says this:

“I work on alot of high profile deals”
He really means one of the following

a) I did due diligence for one of the few deals going on now (which is why it is high profile since everything else is dead) even though I’m a third year because the market is slow and I don’t want to get laid off.
b) I worked on one high profile deal in 2007 and then got relegated to doing resolutions and officer’s certificates and got to even do one allonge (yippee!) because the market is dead
c) I’m lying and I just want you to a) sleep with me b) envy me c) give me money or d) all of the above
d) I have spent my entire law firm career since I started in fall of 2008 differentiating between the following: a) Company, LLC b) Company LLC c) Company, L.L.C. and d) Company L.L.C.

“I work on a lot of high profile cases”

a) I did doc review for the litigation section even though I’m a corporate attorney because it’s dead now for us.
b) I really do work on a lot of high profile cases because everyone is suing everyone else for defaulting on loans and the credit agreement some punk ass churned out as a second year in 2007 was a piece of shit
c) I’m lying and I just want you to a) sleep with me b) envy me c) give me money or d) all of the above

“I went to law school because I wanted to defend justice”

a) I went to law school because everyone from the cool frat who used to shove me into lockers went to business school and I don’t want to be near them
b) I wanted to get a law degree so I could feel really super important and use latin words that I don’t even know the meaning of
c) I’m full of shit and wanted to make money from my shit fullness. res ipsa loquitur

“I billed twelve hours today”

a) I’m full of shit and I’m a billable poser
b) I billed two hours of pro bono, picked my ass the rest of the day, and freaked out about getting laid off
c) I really billed twelve hours a day because I’m a tool, a fucking tool, and I like it

“I only drink top shelf martinis”

a) I’m a prick
b) Who says things like that except for pricks? Oh wait, I’m a prick.
c) I do it so I can forget about my little…uh

“I make a lot of money”
a) I really do make a lot of money
b) I still make a lot of money even though my salary is frozen but I’m going to bitch about it like, oh wait, a little bitch
c) I got laid off but want to still pretend I make a lot of money

You see, lawyers are like the wizard in the Wizard of Oz who are afraid some little kick-a-me dog is going to expose us as the fraud we are. We are the man hiding behind a curtain of b.s. operating a console with a bunch of buttons and levers (but the “lever” we pull is our own). That’s why we like the smoke and the mirrors. That’s why we like the catch phrases and the competitive b.s. almost as much as ex-hedge fund guys or I-bankers (Ok, seriously, if you are an “analyst” do not say you are an i-banker. It makes us all laugh and sometimes we can’t hold it in until you turn around and do it behind your backs so we are forced to laugh in your faces. Seriously. For everyone’s sake.) And even if you do make oogles and oogles of cash, you’re still a pompous prick.

Just remember kids: “You can pay for school but you can’t buy class” (El-P)

BigLaw Associates like the word “attorney”

BigLaw Associates love to say “attorney.” Why? Because it sounds more important than “lawyer” especially in a bar to a poor unsuspecting woman. Along with saying that they’re an attorney, they love wearing their suits (and whatever gucci cuff links or label whore items they can pile on themselves at the same time and possibly twirling their keys to the beamer they bought with a loan they are now regretting since their bonus and salaries are most likely frozen),to the bar even if they show up at 9pm and they only billed one hour that day and had time to go home to change into something normal. But then again, we might not want attorneys to change into what they think is good “going out clothes” because often times this includes the dreaded “shiny shirt”.

Exhibit "A" for "asshole"

Oh, the shiny shirt. So for better or for worse, these attorneys show up to bars in their suits speaking very loudly so that if the woman he is hitting on isn’t interested, maybe that unassuming innocent looking asian girl is (hey, they’re easy targets and it’s not about meeting anyone with substance at bars now is it–it’s about someone who will be really super impressed by your occupation as an “attorney”? That’s A-TTOR-NEY, three syllables and not just two like “lawyer”) and maybe she’ll hear that you 1) are an A-TTOR-NEY 2) know the owner of the club (even though you don’t) and 3) are REALLY SUPER IMPORTANT. These “attorneys” who probably still have “admission pending” on their signature line in the work email top the chart when it comes to people women should avoid at bars. It reminds me of the medical students that would come into college bars with their scrubs on and hit on the freshman who is still undecided in her major (like, giggle, oh-my-gawd!). But now, instead of scrubb wearing med students (who will have careers far more important and successful than most of us, especially in this market), we now have A-TTOR-NEYS.

The only thing worse than A-TTOR-NEYs are hedge fund guys who still act like they’ve got swagger and hit on women they are hoping are kindergarten teachers and aren’t hip to the fact that they, if they are still employed, are at the bottom of the shit pile now. Now, a hedge fund guy in a shiny shirt? That’s evil we can’t speak of on this blog.

We’re BAAAACK

Dear devoted fans, of which we only have a handful (spread the word people!). We are back! No, we did not get laid off. We have enjoyed spending our ridiculous large BigLaw pay checks and billing 20 hours a week in top drunken form. Expect some more posts shortly!